Still Standing.

I am alive. I'm still here. Just have a lot going on right now.
I have really good days, and really bad ones. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
Just taking one day at a time.
On day at a time.

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FAT

I am 40lbs overweight.
At 5'1, I am 155 lbs. I'm a thick girl, bottom heavy, and busty, but this is too much weight. When I met my husband I was 95lbs. When we got married I was 110. After birthing 4 of his children, I am not 155 lbs! That is MORE than I was when I was 9 months along with any of the kids! This needs to stop...now!

Starting tomorrow: portion control. I've already been exercising, doing yoga to deal with my stress. J got me p90x and Insanity, so going to be doing those starting tomorrow after chores. This weight NEEDS to come off, like yesterday.

The problem I'm having is that I have been binging like crazy. I binge when stressed. I've been managing well the past couple of week since doing yoga, but I still can't believe how big I've gotten. I may have to do a fast. I'm going to have to ask my mom how she does it, since she fasts all the time without getting sick.

Fingers crossed I get all this crap off my bones!

Let it Rain over Me

This separation from my family is killing me. I hate not being able to be at home. Today will mark one month since CPS opened their case. We have yet to move foward because things didn't get processed the way they should have. Because of someone else's mistake, my family continues to suffer over this. I hate having to sit down with my daughters every time they ask me when I can come home and have to tell them, not yet.

 I applied for SSI. I had my appointment today. Hopefully I get this. I also found an apartment in Austin for a reasonable price that we could move into. I'm hoping that our deed-in-lieu doesn't disqualify us, or the fact that we've only been in these apartments for the past three months. Fingers crossed.

I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again.

Clarity

While things kind of suck right now, since getting my diagnosis, my life makes so much sense now!

You Are Exceptional

Life feels so dreary these days. My little rays of sunshine are away in Austin with their uncle, and as much as I would love to be with them, that privilege has been stripped away from me. This whole CPS case is leaving me feeling more depressed than I was three weeks ago in the psychiatric unit. The kids are taken to their uncle’s at 6 in the morning. While I can go with them, I’ve been staying at my mother’s which is a good 20-minute drive away from my apartment. Even if I stay at my sister’s (who lives, at most, a 10-minute drive away) I don’t have the proper transportation to get me back to my apartment at 5 AM and then back to my sister’s at 10 PM. It’s a waste of resources we just don’t have right now. It makes my heart hurt knowing I can’t be left alone with my children. Yes, I know why this situation has been set in place. I know I wasn’t safe to be around due to the fact that my schizophrenia hit it’s peak, but I’m tired of being treated like a bomb that can blow at any moment. I’m getting tired of having to have someone with me at all times just so I can be with my children. I abhor the fact that I’m in this situation. I’ve taken damn good care of those children, my flesh and blood, for almost seven years now without prior incident. I lose my mind, and seek help, knowing that I could be a danger to my children, and get punished for it! I wish I could go back to the hospital and smack the stupid social worker who started this mess, who has never suffered from a mental illness in her life. If I was truly going to hurt my children, wouldn’t I have done it by now?! The thought of all this gives me headaches. I detest the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning, in my mother’s guest bedroom, surrounded by no one. I don’t wake up to a baby talking and squealing. I don’t get to tell toddlers to stop opening my door. I don’t get woken up by kisses. I’m alone in a king-sized bed with no one to share it with. I’m not allowed overnight stays at my own apartment if my children are there. I’m wondering if I should have stayed at the psychiatric unit. It’s not much different from what I do here. At least there I had people to talk to, activities planned to take up time during the day. At least there I wasn’t so alone. I could legitimately miss my kids and my husband because they were 160 or so miles away. This void feels superficial. My children are in the same town as I am and I can’t even be with them. I’m trying to stay positive. I understand why the social worker called CPS. I understand why CPS is taking the measures it needs to. I understand, but just because I understand doesn’t mean I like it. Just because I understand doesn’t mean I think this entire situation is ridiculous and a taint to my good name. It’s hard to stay positive when I’m not allowed to be alone with my kids in our own home. I feel drained. The medicines I’m on work. I’m finally better and I can’t even enjoy it. I finally get a vacation away from the children and I don’t want it. It was forced upon me. I’m still depressed, but no amount of medicine could make me feel better right now. Every time I have to say good bye to the children at night makes the rest of that night disagreeable to the nth degree. A whole month left of this preposterous case. I hope I can make it. My psyche has been through enough; I don’t want to end up where I started.

Schizoaffective

Finally broke. Ended up in the psych ward for two weeks. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It's a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar mood disorder. Things from my past are finally making sense. All of my hallucinations and delusions now have a cause. I'm in the middle of a CPS case now. It's no fun, but I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard. I miss my kids. It makes me wonder if I should have just stayed at the psych ward. I published my journal from my two-week stay at the hospital. www.cracked-schizo.blogspot.com That is all.

...

I'm falling apart. that is all.

YAY

It's raining; BAD. So I'm sitting in the back porch, chilling in the darkness, because the power went out at around 745p and it's cooler out here than inside. Regardless of the shitty weather, though, today was a very good & eventful day. After the girls did some assessment testing, we ate lunch & spent the day at the park with Kesia and her daughter. We were there about a good two hours when it started to look like rain, so we headed back to my mom's & the girls played, watched Adventure Time & then had dinner. While at the park, I recieved a phone call from housing letting us know that our apartment is ready! We sign the lease first thing tomorrow morning. Woo hoo! J has another interview Thursday at 1p. Fingers are still crossed. Things are slowly falling into place & it feels so good.

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Power Month

It's finally May. May is the month for me. I believe it's so. I picture it and believe it is the month that will tip the balance. Everything has been at a standstill for months, but I pray this month is the one that will make things happen.

It's been two weeks since Luis Nuñez died. I went through old journal entries, finding his name in the pages, remembering how life was. I've been in reflection since. If I died tomorrow, I want my family to be able to say I did something with my life, for my life...

We were finally approved for public housing. Well, we've been approved since February, but now we are off the wait list. At the end of the month we should be moving into our new apartment. It works out perfectly. We had been staying with Gin and Doug in Cove, but their lease is up come June 1. We have a few things to pack from there that belong to us, but we will be helping them move to OK as well.

At first I panicked. Public housing rent is based on income. The monthly rent is 30% of your annual income, divided by twelve. Then, of course, there is the electric and water bills, not to mention the fact that we need internet access for our schooling. While J is working for my brother, the jobs are sporadic, the income unsteady. We need something that we know will keep us in the clear and where we will be able to keep paying our bills, no matter how small they are.  J has a job interview on Friday morning with Scott & White hospital for an IT position. Fingers, toes, and all extremities are crossed. We need this. They are very impressed with his resumé; I hope it gets him hired ASAP. Things seem like they are getting better. I hope this continues.

We are finishing up lessons with the kids, starting our end-of-year reviews and tests. The girls have been doing well so far. I hope they continue to stay focused. It becomes tedious sometimes, but they're bright kids, the sometimes just need blinders on. As for our own schooling, J just started his last two classes yesterday. Once he is done with these two, he finally graduates and gets that damned degree in his hand. He will no longer need to bust his ass doing homework (though, knowing him, he'll continue to study.) I hope this really helps him advance in his career. I'm in my third week of my second attemt at Eng125. So far not-so good. I am currently failing because I forgot to turn in my week 1 paper even though I did all of my discussion posts. HOWEVER, I did all of my discussion posts for this week AND remembered to turn in the weekly paper, so I'm hoping to bump up my grade back to a C or higher. I'm working hard. I need to focus and continue to do well in school. I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP AGAIN. Seriously.

I'm anxious. My panic attacks have been becoming more frequent and ridiculous and I hate feeling like this. My heart races, my hands shake, and I feel like vomiting. It doesn't help that my anemia is in full swing, and that I'm having "girl" issues. DISCLAIMER: TMI MOMENT; SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH NOW: I have been menstruating for the past two weeks. I know I stopped breastfeeding a month ago and have had my tubes tied, but I still don't think hemorrhaging from my snatch for two weeks straight is normal. I see the OBGYN on Thursday to make sure there are no complications.

Things are stressful, but progressing, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, I knew there was always one, but it got pretty dark in that tunnel and very long, so it was hard to tell where in the tunnel we were. I'm glad that we are finally reaching the end of this journey so we can finally move the fuck on. I'M TIRED. I'm so excited, though. I just want all this to be done with so I can finally relax.

Things That Make My World Go 'Round

On Wednesday, April 4th, J began his work under contract with my brother. My brother recently started his own little company, and they do contract work with remodeling, repair, yard work, et cetera. J worked nonstop from Wednesday morning at 8am, until Thursday afternoon at 3pm. He came home anywhere between 9pm and 11pm during the days inbetween. Needless to say he was exhausted. I was pretty bushed myself. Being mother to four very small, very needy children, not a small task. Rose was having a very hard time adjusting, missing her daddy who had been present every day for pretty much the past two years. Dorian, being only a couple of months old, is of course demanding. Thankfully, he's been off since Thursday afternoon and won't be back at work until tomorrow so the girls have spent as much time with him as possible if he wasnt a)catching up on sleep or b) catching up on his homework.

Yesterday, I took the husband! and the children to church for Easter. The kids had a great time, well, the girls did. I believe Dorian slept through most of it, and I was so tired I don't remember much either. We had a huge lunch afterwards and then came home to take a much needed nap.

My mother spoke to the housing development today. We've been on the waitlist since February and we wanted to know where we stood. As of today, we have anywhere between 60 to 80 days before we have out FOUR-bedroom apartment. Yay! We had been staying at my father-in-law's house for the past couple of months, but he left on Thursday to Oklahoma where he found a better job. The lease on the trailer goes up in June, so Gin text-messaged me today to let me know that the landlord would be coming soon to try and get someone else to rent the place by that time. We weren't supposed to be there, so this week I will be getting our stuff out of there and into my mom's house. We've been staying at my mother's since last week due to the fact that I didn't want J driving a good 20 to 30 extra minutes to get to work and then another 20 to 30 excrutiating minutes back home. This way, he only drove 10, if even that. My brother doesn't live far from my mom.

I'm anxious. I want to get my apartment already. With J finally working, we've been able to pay some old bills and save a little. We already have the $200 that we will need for the deposit on the apartment. Apparently they are new, from what my mom tells me, but I have yet to see them.

I'm planning on going back to school, but I have a lot of things to take care of first. I need to pay my school back 2k. I have 2k from VA that I didn't use, but it's technically not mine to use as I owe them that back. I'm thinking of using it, restarting my VA, and VA will pay itself back. I just need to find a scholarship of some kind on top of the Pell Grant I will be getting so that I can continue when my VA ends in June.

I feel super tired. So much to do, so little time, so little brain to do it with.

Interviewed

I had a job interview a couple of days ago at First National Bank Texas for a bilingual teller position. It's still in review (since Wednesday) and it's driving me nuts. I really NEED this job and I'm just praying we get it. With it, I can pay my in-laws back, and pay off my school debt. Then, when we get off the wait-list for public housing, I can easily pay the rent.

Unknowingly, J and I have been going to my mom's every Tuesday to do laundry. I've been spending a lot of time with her, which has been good. She finally found the source of all her pain. Apparently, when she had her car accident, she had internal injuries that became infected. The infection cleared itself out, and left a large mass of scar tissue that has been pressing against her organs and causing her excrutiating pain ever since. She has several surgeries set up for the future. One is to extract the three tumors in her colon. Another is to remove the tumor in a kidney. And the last one is to remove as much scar tissue from her side as possible.

In general, we're doing okay. Just waiting...

Things Are Slowly Looking Up.

1. Our application for public housing was approved. We are currently on the wait-list. We almost were rejected due to losing the house back in August, but due to the circumstances and the fact that we did a deed in liue instead of a forclusure, they waived that information and approved the application anyway. Currently, we are in the top spot for the 4-bedroom wait list. However, Lisa, the social worker, is trying to find an empty 3-bedroom to house us in until a 4-bedroom is available. While there are 2-bedrooms available, it is required by law that a family of five be housed in a 3-bedroom, and a family of 6 in a 4-bedroom. The only reason they can loophole that is because Dorian will be a newborn and I co-sleep for the first two years.

2. Mother reminded me that she has a friend who works in KISD. I'm hoping that she can help J out with work. We are in desperate need. He has searched evereywhere, and everywhere has rejected him. However, he still refuses to apply at minimum wage jobs, such as Subway or McDonald's. I'm a little pissed at this. Beggars can't be choosers, and right now, we are living off of family. The fact that minimum wage is beneath him is irritating. I know he has concerns about school and how minimum wage would keep us afloat, but at this point, we have NOTHING, so arguing that fact is pointless. However, I've already said my peace on the matter. I'm done and doing my own thing. I'm not worrying about his ass if he's not getting his shit together the way *I* think he should.

3. Five more days. I have a pre-op appointment first thing tomorrow morning and then at 7am on the 7th, this baby is coming out!

4. I'm tired and hate feeling like shit all the time.

...

Anniversary didn't go as planned. J had homework to do and I felt like shit so we stayed home instead and gave the gift card to the in-laws so they can use it when they want. We stayed up well past midnight, headed to Kesia's house aroung that time and hung out for a couple of hours. We currently have an inside joke of "teamwork" and the Wonder Pets' theme song.

I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.

I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.

I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.

Seven Years

So I didn't realize until 11pm last night that today is my wedding anniversary. How sad is that? We have had so much shit on our plate that I actually forgot our wedding anniversary.

I'm going to see if the in-laws are willing to watch the girls in the evening & J & I can use the girst card he got on his birthday for an anniversary dinner.

Here We Go Again

When it rains, it pours. *sigh*

Well, due to irreconcilable differences, my sister kicked my husband out of her house yesterday afternoon. Things had become hectic at her house due to the stress and she believes he is verbally abusive to me and our daughters. Considering I have been with this man for the past ten years and *know* when he is being abusive, my husband is just a dick, especially now when stress and tension is high. No one seems to believe me when I say I know my husband better than they do. *facepalm*

And yes, he has been a major dick to me and to the girls a lot lately. He realizes this; we talk every night, something no one else sees as we do it in private, but I apparently don't "see the problem" because I'm on the "inside". The way we raise our daughters is also an issue, yet when asked to call CPS if she truly believes we are neglegent in any way with our children, my sister told him to get out. She tried to emphasize to me that she wasn't kicking me or the girls out, but even Lily explained to my sister that we were leaving together. She can kick whomever she wishes out of her house, but I'm not keeping my husband away from his daughters.

Needless to say, I'm not going to just sit back and not stand behind my husband, so we all packed our things and are staying at his father's house. The girls and I are staying in their little 4yo cousin's room and my husband on the couch. We're cramped, but it will have to do. Rose and Iris think it's another fun sleep over. Lily, however, broke my stepmom-in-law's heart yesterday when she asked her if there was going to be any fighting here, too. Knowing how much this is damaging my children hurts so much. I wish I could make all this hurt and pain and insecurity go away.

My brother tried to convince us to stay at his house for now while he and his dad stayed at my mom's and sister's respectively, but we refused. He then suggested my mom's house, as they had been working on the large guest room to make it ready for us anyway, but we also refused. It's not that we don't appreciate their help, it's just that we are tired of CONSTANTLY being judged. We are judge for our religious prefrences, we are judged for our parenting and schooling choices, we are judged on how we handle our situation, we are judged for everything. A person can only please so many people, and the ones who are the most important, no one seems to realize how all this judgment of thier parents hurts them.

I am very, very depressed. As well as very stressed out. So much so that I was admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon to check and monitor the baby (I'm now 37 weeks.) I'm in incredible amounts of pain, not to mention I am already considered high risk due to 3 prior c-sections. Dorian and my uterus both seem to be okay but I don't know how I'm going to be holding up. I am horribly exhausted both emotionally and physically and I worry about how much this affects my unborn son.

I'm having a very hard time staying positive. We have yet to hear back from public housing and probably won't hear from them for a while. J has had nothing but rejections from his job-search attempts. I don't know how much more of this I can handle in the next two weeks. Dorian will be here by the 7th. I just don't know how long I can hold on.

Random Memories

My sister and I were thinking about old memories, things we had done 15, 20, up to 25 years ago. I came to realize that my happiest memories have ALWAYS been with my siblings. Though we fought, and rarely had anything in common due to the great age gap (Sol is 12 years older, Nestor is 7 years older) we always had a good time. I could always depend on my brother and my sister.

Sure, even to this day they still get on my last damn nerve sometimes, and vice versa, but I can honestly say I have not one bad memory of either of them. They have never made me feel insignificant. They have never brought me further down when I was at a low point in life. Sure, we had disagreements, but we always made the effort to agree to disagree if we knew there was no point in arguing and that the other's mind was made up.

I don't have moments like that with my parents. My father was nonexistant in my childhood. My stepfather was abusive, controlling, and sure, I had a laugh here and there, but I loathed him. My mother, though I do have *some* good memories, was an all-around disappointment. There were things she did that I would have never even think of doing to my own children; things I could never forgive her for.

I hope that I, as a mom, can give my children great memories. Sure, I want them to have the same kind of memories I had with my siblings, but I also want the to think back at their parents with a bit of dignity. I don't want my children to resent me as a parent, ever, especially not in the way I do my own parents. I really hope I am being the kind of mom that not only is good *for* them but good *to* them.

Just Keep Swimming.

I have been in ungodly pain all day today.

I woke up today after a long night of ridiculous allergies, having BH contractions every time I took a step. I was cranky, miserable, and, according to J, was taking out my frustations on the children. I think I even snapped at him at one time, but I don't know. All I remember is that I had to walk slowly or I would burst into tears. My pelvis feels like it's trying to rip apart, and my son's head feels like it's just going to slip right out. I could barely move without crying out in pain.

I had planned to go to my FIL's house this afternoon with J and the girls, but thought best to stay home where I could bitch and whine on my own time and not ruin the night for everyone. I'm glad I did. The girls seemed to have a good time, and I was able to stay in bed and piss and moan to myself.

Three more weeks of this. Just three more weeks.

Stupid Allergies

I'm so fucking tired of these goddamn allergies! My face is exploding 90% of the time because of the high pollen count. Guess who is allergic to cedar and plane trees? ARGH! I need to see if I can get my allergy shot this late in the pregnancy. I can't do this anymore.

Uneventful day for me. Made some business calls & did some chores, but mostly slept. J hung out with the girls. I couldn't deal with the outside...though it still ended up inside due to the girls playing in the grass. *sigh* If I am not better tomorrow, I'm staying in bed.

It feels like Dorian is trying to juggernaut his way out.

Paperwork Sucks

So I had my appointment with housing this morning. I waited very little and was seen for maybe 15 minutes just to be handed even MORE paperwork. My application was fine, I was missing a few things (due to me listening to my mother), but they gave me 2 weeks to turn it in before denying me anything. And even if I had everything, it still takes them a MONTH before they can tell you whether or not they have anything available. I feel sorry for those who don't make enough for public housing and need section 8. The wait list to *that* is closed. They are no longer accepting applications. I believe after February, public housing won't be accepting them, either. So many people homeless; so many broke people. By the way, if you think you can get public housing just like that, you can't. It's a ridiculous amount of red-tape. Also, you *have* to have a job to qualify. Disabled persons, however, get first pick, as it isn't their fault they can't work. I have to print out a good amount of documentation for them to have by the 23rd. I also lost my SS card, so I need to go find that, or at least replace it.

Many errands to run tomorrow. I have an OB appointment as well. My body aches and I'm about to do my full moon ritual. I think I'll go to bed early.

Suck It Up, Buttercup

Currently sitting in a team meeting via ustream broadcast. It's a bit frustrating having to watch it online, but considering I am in Texas and this is happening live in Ohio, I have to suck it up, or go to Ohio for a weekend every month. Granted, I wouldn't mind visiting my sponsor, Danita, because she is fabulous, but I AM POOR, damn it. People just need to realize that standing right in front of the laptop filming the meeting makes it very hard for those viewing online to see a damn thing. Also, that not having the camera facing the people who are talking makes it difficult to hear what they are saying, unless they are like me and naturally loud. :) Granted, I get it. The room is small and crowded...BUT STILL. :D
We headed to Joe's yesterday. Lauren and Joey took us out to the park for a picnic. It was really nice. Minus the allergies (allergic to the high pollen count of cedar and plane here in TX as well as Joe's 3 cats), I enjoyed myself. I think we had a good time. I know the girls did. We watched Kung Fu Panda 2 as well as the first half of Hot Fuzz. We had to leave before the movie was over to head back home. Then we got lost, which just frustrated the hell out of J and me, so we were not happy campers when we got home. A lot of angriness at night, but they day seemed fun. :)

I am so tired. These allergies are kicking my ass. I hurt, a lot. Dorian keeps tugging at my scar with his big ol' head, and the pain is making nauseous. I feel like I do when I'm on my period. I hate it, but again, something I just have to suck up.

I need a nap. SO much to do tomorrow. We get to see the public housing authority tomorrow!! *fingers crossed*