Move, Bitch

I went to see another caseworker at the psych clinic today. She's going to help me find an interim job until I can pass my damned practical exam. She may even help with housing. I know I have a place to live, but it's only a room, not a whole living space where I could keep my children.

Speaking of place to live, I move in on Sunday. I'm going to Killeen and packing as much as I can in my car and then unpack in Round Rock. I should do this early so the heat won't get to me. It can get difficult in a car with no A/C driving in Texas heat. I'm anxious for this move. I think it will be good for me.

What's New

Things are happening.
1. The trip to the hospital was, thankfully, a short visit. Even though I had an episode one day, they had me go home a couple days later. They took me off my wellbutrin all together, upped my prozac, and kept my zyprexa normal.
2. To continue, the urge to steal is minimal. I still get the urge, but I don't give in. I caved a little today, but it was the first time since being home from the hospital and I only took one thing. I know that's still bad, but it's better than it was.
3. I went to my friend, Tina's, house for the autumn equinox and she told me she has a room available. So, yay, I have a place to live in that's close to the kids. She lives about twenty minutes away in Round Rock and only 10 minutes away from where I plan to work at.
4. Currently completely out of money. I'm pretty much stranded here at J's, but it's fine. J, having been fired last month, is having the time of his life being home, but he's broke as shit and is starting to panic. Unemployment will *maybe* hit on Monday

That is all.

Shit

Had a serious schizo episode and am sitting in the ER. I don't know where I am. I don't know how I got here even though I drove myself. I'm confused and scared and angry. Just keeping you posted.

Stuff

Finally got caught shoplifting,  so I'm no longer allowed into any local Targets. On Tuesday I'm going to call my psych and see if they can do something about the urge. The security lady even told me I look zoned out, detached. She had apparently spoken to me once before, which I don't even remember.

I hope this gets taken care of. I'm addicted to the rush, but I don't want to go to jail. I feel so fucking stupid.

Decisions

So J asked me to move back in with him. I was so in shock that instead of answering his question, I asked him if he was high. Seriously.

I don't know what to think right now. I agreed, and he's offering to help me with my goals, both in my physical and mental health, and career wise. I just, I don't know. I find it weird. We want what's best for the children. We want some semblance of a normal family. Right now everything is just a mess. Hopefully, together, we can figure something out that will work.

*shrug* I have no idea what I'm doing. *sigh*

Quick update

My medications have been adjusted again. I'm having a hard time separating reality from the fantasy and horror my mind creates. Sleep is usually restless. The kleptomania is getting worse. It seems I can't walk into the store without shoving a handful of random things in my bag. I still shop and pay, but stealing is getting harder not to do.

I graduated from beauty school a few weeks ago, even though my official last day is this Friday.  I'm going to miss a lot of the people that I met over this past year. I'm ready for a break, though.

*SIGH*

I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

I thought once I had my ovary removed I'd be doing better. Turns out that one of the cysts on my ovary was actually endometrial tissue implanted. Long story short, I have endometriosis, which is no surprise to me. It explains all the issues I've had with heavy bleeding and excruciating pain. Unfortunately, it seems I have more issues.

I went to the ER twice in one week due to pain. I have two kidney stones in one kidney, and one large one in the other. I know I passed an extra one about a week or two ago thanks to the ridiculous pain and bleeding from my urethra. On top of that, it seems I have IBS and my bowel movements have fluctuated from one extreme to another, never finding something normal in between. It's horribly uncomfortable and painful. So, now I've been bouncing around between my PCP, OBGYN, GI, and urologist. I'm so thankful I have medicaid as insurance. I couldn't imagine the astronomical medical bills I'd have by now. Thank you, government funding.

My mental health hasn't been that great, either. I've had several episodes since December. They're pretty frequent, and range anywhere between regular anxiety over nothing to hallucinating and hiding in my room while in tears. It's frustrating. My psychiatrist added more medication in hopes that it would help. I'm not happy about it. I went from one pill a day to several. I have one for the anxiety, one for the moods, one for the psychosis, one as a boost for the others, and one for insomnia. The changes to the meds are pretty recent, about a few weeks, so I'm just waiting to see how this goes. I hate being used as a guinea pig for this shit. I just want to give up.

Besides my health, everything else is OK. My program director at my school has been helping me out and understanding, so I should be able to graduate in time even though I have missed way too much school. I should have been done with the cosmetology program back in April, but missed a lot of school due to my health, mental, physical, or both.

I hope things will get better soon. I don't want to spend another year struggling to function. I'm tired. I just want to give up on life, but know I have to keep on trucking even though I'm so tired.

There's so much more I want to talk about, about friends and family I want to vent about, but I just don't have the energy. My own personal problems are enough.

Ugh

I feel like the Universe is purposely fucking my shit up to see how much I handle before I end up back in the hospital. I'm serious. There are days were I want to be committed so bad but keep going because I'm a fucking adult, I'll just drown it in booze and tears.

I want to quit life so much. I hate being this fucked. I hate being sick.

New Year's Goals 2016

I never really do 'resolutions.' They've always been goals set that I wish to have met by the end of the year. This year sucked. I was not very motivated and had a lot of struggle in just my every-day. I met, probably, one or two goals out of the original seven.

Here are the goals (and their reasons) I have set for this year:

1. Lose 40 pounds (approx. 18.1 kg/ 2.9 stone) by the end of the year.
   --This is health related. With as large as I have gotten with my petite bone structure, the extra weight is causing much pressure in my joints, creating endless pain. On top of that, I'm developing diabetes and have changed my diet accordingly. My doctor says that even 15 lbs would help, but I need to be able to keep up with my kids and my life. For me to achieve this goal by the end of the year, I would only have to lose 3 to 4 pounds each month, which is easily doable
2. Finish Memoir
   --I have been working on this for the last three years and still haven't finished typing it up. I would really like to be done with it so that I can have it published. I really feel like it has an audience.
3. Graduate and become License
   --I have the grades to graduate just fine, but do I have the skills to become a licensed cosmetologist? We'll see. In the next couple of months I will be taking my written State Board exam and my practical exam about a month or so after. I should be crossing the stage by June/July.
4. Start my Career
   --This relies heavily on how goal #3 pans out.
5. Move
   --I live with my mother, and though the arrangement is mostly suitable, I would really enjoy having a place of my own. This is my mother's place and it has rules. Unfortunately, some of those rules cause me distress sometimes. I can't openly practice my Pagan faith in her house, or bring a lover home, etc. Plus, I need more room for when I have my children over. Being cramped in one room (though everyone has a place to sleep just fine) is not how I wish to spend quality time.

So far, that is all I've come up with. I'm quite sure that something else will come along, or an obstacle or two will surface, but until then, well wishes, and a happy new year.

Planner 2016

I love planners. I normally forget about them after a few months, but I still adore trying to fit information into them.

The past few years I had little use for them, but now that I'm on the verge of graduating this spring, I have a lot that's going into my snazzy, new planner.

It's a simple, red planner that I bought for a dollar at Family Dollar. It was plain, so I decorated it with old Valentine's day stickers, and the phrase "Love Yourself" to remind me what I need to focus on. I had my old, unused planner. I ended up taking put the cute motivational quotes out and have started gluing them into this new planner. We'll see how long I last.

Nothing else to say. I just really like having a planner. Life still sucks.

Just a Little Update

I. Am. Tired.
I didn't realize how exhausting cosmetology school would be until I spent most of my time on my feet 8 hours a day, five days a week. I'm getting used to it, but it's beginning to affect my legs. There are times my calves and leg nerves ache so much I can't sleep. Sure, I'm having fun cutting, styling, and coloring hair, as well as learning new techniques, but, Jesus, my legs are killing me. That's my life Tuesday through Saturday from 9 to 5 with an hour lunch and two smoke breaks.

I'm on a diet. All the weight that I lost last year (by accident) I gained back living here with my mom. My mom likes to constantly remind me that I'm overweight, but then she feeds me like I've never seen food before and complains if I don't eat what she's served me. *facepalm* Thankfully, she's been giving me space on this because she knows I really do need to lose this weight. I can't bend over well, I get winded tying my shoes, my fat cuts off the circulation to my right leg when I sit, and I can't get my pants from last year to go past my thighs. Oh, did I mention if I fall asleep on my back I damn near suffocate myself to death? Yes, lots of joys. /sarcasm So I'm on a diet and regularly exercising to try and tone up and lose some of this extra baggage. I'm not asking for a bikini body, I just want to be able to tie my shoes.

With the busy schedule I have, I've only been able to see the kids every Sunday. I'm not complaining, but it still sucks. At least J is branching out. He's made a friend at work and they've had a couple of playdates with her toddler. I think that's great. He's also taking the girls to a kids' robotics group that he found nearby. I'm super excited and I'm not even going. LOL. I'm just happy that the kids are doing nerd things. I hope it keeps up. I want them to be able to learn (which, what they already know makes me feel dumb sometimes LOL) and then branch out. They can do engineering, network administrating, programming.....*squee* OK, I'm done now.

I'll be honest. I'm lonely sometimes. I would love a relationship with someone (male or female, I'm not picky) but I know it's not the right time. I know I have a lot of things I need to work on before I am even ready. It still sucks, though, but I'm glad that's the only hitch in my life. Sure, I live at home with my mom and only see my kids once a week, but my ECT treatments are almost over, I've been stable for 10 months, and I'm kicking ass in school. Things are going well for me and I have to remember, one step at a time. I have my goals and I'm focused and working. One day at a time.

CH-Ch-ch-Changes

My life is one hot mess.
I'm okay with that...sort of.
I have goals set out for the next year. I plan to finish my memoir and attempt to get it published. I plan to finish my novel and attempt to get it properly edited. I plan to wean myself off of electroconvulsive therapy. I also plan to finish the cosmetology program I started on the 7th. The classes cut into my visiting time with the kids (I have class on Saturday) so I only see them Sunday, but I still have time to read them a story over the phone at bedtime, and there will be a few holidays.
My life revolves around helping my mom, going to my medical appointments, and now, school.
I'm tired of life; my symptoms still pop up and frustrate my day, but I'm trying.
I just have to remember I'm still standing, I'm stronger than this.

Physical Changes

My name is Vonnie and I am obese. Granted, I'm not morbidly obese, I'm right at the border between obese and overweight, but the fact remains that I contain too much fat in my body.

I am 5'1" and, currently, my BMI is 31.6 at 167 pounds. My doctor wishes to get me down to about 130 pounds to be considered healthy. Right now, I'm feeling like uuuuuunnnnnnnnnggggggggghhhhhhh every time I think about it. I really hate exercise and I really love cake. See my problem?

Today, Sunday, April 27, 2014, marks my first day of my daily exercise challenge. I'm combining cardio with strength training and alternating it yoga. I also plan to walk a total of 8 miles a day. Another dilemma, I really like sleeping. Getting out of my deliciously comfortable bed is going to feel like torture, but I really need to do this. I NEED TO DO THIS.

I'm terribly vain and superficial. While I am, deep down, doing this to be healthy again and be able to keep up with my kids, the truth is that my 10-year high school reunion is in exactly two months and I am FAAAAAAAAAAATT. I do NOT want people I haven't seen in a decade see that I went from hotness to busted in the past decade. In high school, my highest weight was 115. My freshman year of college had me at 120. After I had my first two children, I was 130. After child 3, 140, and then 150 after child 4. When I started taking 10 bajillion different medications for my mental health, my weight skyrocketed to 185 pounds. In the past year, I've had to finagle with my meds, which, thankfully, helped me lose 20 pounds, leaving me where I am now.

So. The reason for writing all of this down is to be held accountable and track my progress. My wish is to lose 20lbs before my high school reunion. Fingers crossed I keep this up.

Love is Patient. Love is Kind.

I still love him, all of him, and I feel like I'm falling even more in love with him as time goes on. The more we are apart, the more I ache for his presence.

...

This is driving me nuts!

Time for an Overhaul

Things are changing...

That's all there is; there isn't any more

The end.

31: Blog Challenge: Why Do You Blog

WOO-HOO! LAST DAY!

Asking me why I blog is like asking a normal person why they breathe. BECAUSE I NEED IT. Writing is my only outlet that I can use to express myself. It's the place I go to where I can let it all out and not feel the judgmental stares of everyone around me. It's the one place where I can be honest without having to censor myself.

Yes, feelings get hurt, and sometimes it can be completely anonymous, but the person still figures out it's about them and they get all butt-hurt about it, like it's my fault they were being a dick. I at least had the decency to not mention them by name, but if the shoe fits... *shrug* But the words are MINE, and if you don't like them...no one is forcing you to read them.

I blog for the same reason I journal. It's not because I want to say something, it's because I have something to say. No matter how trivial, how ridiculous, how banal any of it sounds, I need to say it. If there's someone out there who reads it, then so be it. I don't do this for anybody else. I do this for me.

30: Blog Challenge: What's In Your Make-Up Bag

Really? This is a question? Make-up. That's what's in my make-up bag.
[will edit later with picture.]

But I Fumbled It When It Came Down to the Wire

The year is coming to a close. 2012 was pretty awful. I thought 2013 would be the year things got back on track. That wasn't the case; 2013 ended up to be worse. Now that 2014 is fast approaching, I am hoping, praying, that this will finally be the year things get better. I don't want another nail in the coffin.

I have many plans that are underway. I start classes next month to finish my degree. In April, it will be one year without any serious episodes. In June, it will be a year since my CPS case closed. Many changes are coming and I'm hoping I'm making the right decisions for the better.

With all that said, this will be my last public post. I will no longer be sharing my personal life online. While I'll still post the ridiculosity that is my children on Facebook, everything else is being kept private. I will be sharing my old journal entries from my stints in the psych ward for anyone who is interested. They will be posted at agrietada.blogspot.com on a daily basis. I'm hoping to raise more awareness for mental illness.

Anyway, I wish that everyone have a happy new year.

29: Blog Challenge: Where Have You Travelled

You know, even though I grew up military and later married military, I didn't go far.

I was born in Puerto Rico. We were stationed in Washington, Oklahoma, Texas and Hawaii. My ex and I were stationed in Nebraska and then crossed the border to Iowa. I've visited relatives in South Carolina, Alabama, and California, and I hope to eventually do so in Florida. One day I'd like to go overseas.