Physical Changes

My name is Vonnie and I am obese. Granted, I'm not morbidly obese, I'm right at the border between obese and overweight, but the fact remains that I contain too much fat in my body.

I am 5'1" and, currently, my BMI is 31.6 at 167 pounds. My doctor wishes to get me down to about 130 pounds to be considered healthy. Right now, I'm feeling like uuuuuunnnnnnnnnggggggggghhhhhhh every time I think about it. I really hate exercise and I really love cake. See my problem?

Today, Sunday, April 27, 2014, marks my first day of my daily exercise challenge. I'm combining cardio with strength training and alternating it yoga. I also plan to walk a total of 8 miles a day. Another dilemma, I really like sleeping. Getting out of my deliciously comfortable bed is going to feel like torture, but I really need to do this. I NEED TO DO THIS.

I'm terribly vain and superficial. While I am, deep down, doing this to be healthy again and be able to keep up with my kids, the truth is that my 10-year high school reunion is in exactly two months and I am FAAAAAAAAAAATT. I do NOT want people I haven't seen in a decade see that I went from hotness to busted in the past decade. In high school, my highest weight was 115. My freshman year of college had me at 120. After I had my first two children, I was 130. After child 3, 140, and then 150 after child 4. When I started taking 10 bajillion different medications for my mental health, my weight skyrocketed to 185 pounds. In the past year, I've had to finagle with my meds, which, thankfully, helped me lose 20 pounds, leaving me where I am now.

So. The reason for writing all of this down is to be held accountable and track my progress. My wish is to lose 20lbs before my high school reunion. Fingers crossed I keep this up.

Love is Patient. Love is Kind.

I still love him, all of him, and I feel like I'm falling even more in love with him as time goes on. The more we are apart, the more I ache for his presence.

...

This is driving me nuts!

Time for an Overhaul

Things are changing...

That's all there is; there isn't any more

The end.

31: Blog Challenge: Why Do You Blog

WOO-HOO! LAST DAY!

Asking me why I blog is like asking a normal person why they breathe. BECAUSE I NEED IT. Writing is my only outlet that I can use to express myself. It's the place I go to where I can let it all out and not feel the judgmental stares of everyone around me. It's the one place where I can be honest without having to censor myself.

Yes, feelings get hurt, and sometimes it can be completely anonymous, but the person still figures out it's about them and they get all butt-hurt about it, like it's my fault they were being a dick. I at least had the decency to not mention them by name, but if the shoe fits... *shrug* But the words are MINE, and if you don't like them...no one is forcing you to read them.

I blog for the same reason I journal. It's not because I want to say something, it's because I have something to say. No matter how trivial, how ridiculous, how banal any of it sounds, I need to say it. If there's someone out there who reads it, then so be it. I don't do this for anybody else. I do this for me.

30: Blog Challenge: What's In Your Make-Up Bag

Really? This is a question? Make-up. That's what's in my make-up bag.
[will edit later with picture.]

But I Fumbled It When It Came Down to the Wire

The year is coming to a close. 2012 was pretty awful. I thought 2013 would be the year things got back on track. That wasn't the case; 2013 ended up to be worse. Now that 2014 is fast approaching, I am hoping, praying, that this will finally be the year things get better. I don't want another nail in the coffin.

I have many plans that are underway. I start classes next month to finish my degree. In April, it will be one year without any serious episodes. In June, it will be a year since my CPS case closed. Many changes are coming and I'm hoping I'm making the right decisions for the better.

With all that said, this will be my last public post. I will no longer be sharing my personal life online. While I'll still post the ridiculosity that is my children on Facebook, everything else is being kept private. I will be sharing my old journal entries from my stints in the psych ward for anyone who is interested. They will be posted at agrietada.blogspot.com on a daily basis. I'm hoping to raise more awareness for mental illness.

Anyway, I wish that everyone have a happy new year.

29: Blog Challenge: Where Have You Travelled

You know, even though I grew up military and later married military, I didn't go far.

I was born in Puerto Rico. We were stationed in Washington, Oklahoma, Texas and Hawaii. My ex and I were stationed in Nebraska and then crossed the border to Iowa. I've visited relatives in South Carolina, Alabama, and California, and I hope to eventually do so in Florida. One day I'd like to go overseas.

28: Blog Challenge: What Are You Looking Forward To?

...An end to all this madness.

I just want everything to be stable again.

27: Blog Challenge: Post Your Favorite Recipe

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
AHAHA
Ha ha.
*pants*

Yeah..... I don't cook. And when I do, I make it up as I go.

26: Blog Challenge: An Old Photo Of You

This picture was taken in 1999/2000. I was in 8th grade, outside of the choir hall at Wheeler Intermediate School in Wheeler AFB, HI. I had ridiculously long hair and was super scrawny.

25: Blog Challenge: Your 5 Favorite Blogs

Uh oh. I'm in trouble here.

I DON'T HAVE ANY.

I stopped actively reading blogs when I was homeless. Then that was followed by a mental breakdown. Then I stopped homeschooling my kids. I'll read the blogs of friends, though.

My friend Mary shares her awesomeness at Living a Sunshine Life
I do enjoy the neat tips from Laura over at I'm an OrgJunkie!

.....and that's all I got.

24: Blog Challenge: Your Favorite Childhood Book

I had two. Corduroy by Don Freeman and Bedtime For Frances by Russell Hoban.

I got them both as books on tape when I was about 6. I could already read by then, but I would put them in a little walkman and listen to them when I went to sleep.

I had a little brown bear. I dressed him up in green overalls that I had made and named him Corduroy. I would pretend I was Lisa, and even arranged my room to look like hers in the book.

When I couldn't sleep, I'd listen to Bedtime For Frances, and when the book was finished, I'd try my own ABC song, like she had in her attempt to fall asleep.

To this day I still have those books, both of them, WITH THEIR TAPES. Yep. I'm a dork, but I got to share them with my kids. :)

23: Blog Challenge: Your Dream Job

While I've attempted to finish my BA in History and English, and had originally wanted to be a teacher of said subjects, I have ALWAYS wanted to own my own bookstore.

I mentioned this idea to my friend Diana once, in high school. We had drawn up a floor plan for our proposed bookstore/coffee shop/apartment. It was actually a pretty sweet layout. Then we married military men and went our separate ways. Le Sigh.

I still wish to one day have my own bookstore, specifically one that caters to alternative lifestyles and spiritual paths. Being Pagan, I want it to focus mostly on old remedies, and practices, while still being a comfy place to hang out as well.

One day, maybe when I'm old...

22: Blog Challenge: The Best Thing To Happen This Year

THIS YEAR SUCKED BALLS.

...

Fine, I'll try and think of something...

...

I guess the best thing to happen to me this year would have to be that I'm pretty much on my own. I've never been on my own before. I've never paid my own bills, and I've always had someone taking care of me. Yes, I have a roommate, but I still pay my own way. Yes, I don't have a job, but I would if I could. I'm on disability, but without it, I'd be living with my mom. For once, I'm only dependant on me and only have to worry about ME.

That's a good thing, right?

21: Blog Challenge: Your 10 Favorite Foods

Um... ALL OF THEM! I wouldn't be this large if I didn't love food. But seriously, now...

1. My friend Danita's spaghetti and meatballs. She makes them from scratch and they are heaven and she has ruined me from any other meatballs forever.
2. Ramen. I know I will eventually go into cardiac arrest from the amount of sodium in those bad boys, but I care not!
3. Pancakes.
4. Funyuns. I don't care if they make my breath smell like armpit, they are delicious and I will continue to eat them.
5. Chocolate.
6. Lemon pie. I don't care what kind of pie, just as long as it's a pie, and lemon.
7. Buttery and sweet grits.
8. My friend Brandy's homemade chicken and dumplings. Because I'm from Texas, that's why.
9. My friend Mary's potatoes.
10. Anything my sister makes.

I'm terrible at doing these.

2o: Blog Challenge: A Difficult Time In Your Life

Wow, let's see...a difficult time in my life...

At 27, I've had so many difficult times, I should have been institutionalized... Oh, wait, that was one of those difficult times. Honestly, I can't decide just one. My childhood sucked. My teen years sucked. My young adulthood sucked. I'm quite sure I'm still going through a quarter-life crises.

Currently, I'm in a difficult patch in my life. A year ago, CPS got involved in our lives, again, because of my mental health. In the end, I lost custody of my kids. While I only live 10 minutes away and I have them every weekend, I'm not allowed to be left unsupervised with them. It's a bunch of bullshit, if you ask me. Anyone who knows me knows I'm a fucking good mom. Yes, I wasn't healthy, but my children never went without...no matter what shit my ex says. He has the bad habit of exaggerating my illness and my failures.

I am a damn good mom and having my kids, for lack of better term, taken away has left me broken. It's been five months now and I'm still not used to it. I'm still angry. And I still wish I could punch CPS in their stupid faces. I just have to remember "one day at a time; one step at a time."

19: Blog Challenge: What Do You Collect?

My sense of collecting is more like hoarding, so a lot of my "collections" have been donated in recent years and minimized due to space. The main things I like to keep are:

• notebooks & journals
• funky socks
• purses
• handwritten notes, cards & letters from friends and family

I refuse to touch my journals. Those are MINE, damn it.

My socks go through cycles, mostly because I love them so much that I wear holes in them, fix them, wear more holes, fix them, and then they finally fall apart and die. 

My old collection of purses was actually pretty impressive. I had all shapes, like bustiers and shoes, and sizes, ranging from a wristlet to a huge tote. Designs varied from sequins, to prints, to pictures. Some had decorative scarves or chains, and a lot came with matching accessories. Due to space, I donated 90% of my bags to the Salvation Army and kept the ones that were more suited to my lifestyle.

I've kept about 80% of all the handwritten letters and notes and cards that I have received since I was about 9 years old. The only reason why that is not 100% is that I either lost them in moves or left them in my pockets during laundry day.

18: Blog Challenge: The Meaning Behind Your Blog Name

If you're reading this on LiveJournal, my username is cyndi_lauper and the titles to both my blog and friends' page are lyrics from Cyndi Lauper's True Colors.

I absolutely adore Cyndi Lauper. When I was a child watching her perform on TV, I thought she was EPIC, and I still do. She has always stayed true to herself, and is beautiful, smart, and articulate, as well as super talented. To this day, she is still one of my role models, and I'm damn near 30 now. As for why lyrics from True Colors? Well, that's simple. The lyrics are the embodiment of being true to yourself, and that's something that I strive for every day. I never want to be fake. I never want to be a carbon copy of someone else. I always want to be ME, and be honest and happy with who I am.

Now, if you're reading this on Blogger, the title of the blog is Vonnieness (with the subheading still being lyrics from True Colors.) In high school, a couple of girl friends of mine added "ness" to the end of our names because not only was it fun to say, but it described who we were just by our names. I was Vonnieness, in both name and being, and they were Amberness, and Nessaness, and Wendyness. They were and still are their own essence, their unique embodiment of beautiful and wonderful.

17: Blog Challenge: What Is Your Most Proud Moment?

My proudest moment was shortly after midnight on December 27, 2005. I had spent 17 hours in labor at the hospital and my baby was in distress. After an emergency cesarean, Lily was extracted with her umbilical cord wrapped tightly around her neck. It took a few minutes before they could get her breathing again and when I heard that baby finally cry, I knew she had made it. I was so proud of how strong that little girl was. Even at birth, she was feisty, only quieting down when I told her that everything was okay and that her mommy was there for her. Between December 26 and December 27, it was the most painful, exhilarating, terrifying, and powerful moment of my life.