I'm lonely. I hate sleeping in this bed alone. I'd like a cuddle buddy. I remember laying in bed with an old girlfriend of mine; she was soft and warm, and I haven't felt that in what seems like a long time. Sometimes I wish I was some sort of addict so I could drown my sorrows in something, but I don't like booze, and hate drugs. The other times I dream of overdosing.
Get your shit together, Vonnie.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Saturday, August 24, 2013
One Day or Another
These past few months have been pretty hectic. There have been many life changes since the last time I posted.
1. In April I was hospitalized for the third time in a year, this time for 2 weeks, where I was put on stronger medication.
2. From the middle of April through the end of June I attended an outpatient program. It left me with a sense of clarity I hadn't had in a long time.
3. CPS had me move out of my apartment by July 1. I had a case that had started back in November and was closed in June. They found me unsafe without supervision so I was no longer allowed overnight stays. I stayed with my mom and sister for a little while until I found a roommate in Austin 10 minutes away from J and the kids. Thank you craigslist.
4. I've changed my medication twice since April. Nothing is working as it should, it has made me gain so much weight I got up to 185 lbs, and I've been so frustrated with it that I haven't taken anything in a month. My symptoms have been relatively mild, thanks to the minimal stress I've had, but this isn't going to last for very long. I meet with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to change my medication again.
5. On July 30, J and I divorced. With my mental health and the CPS case, we thought it best to split. We are still on good terms, though I still think he has a serious superiority complex.
6. My weekends are full. I have custody of the kids from Friday night until Sunday night.
7. I'm finally getting out of the fort I built to protect myself and making friends (ones that aren't imaginary). I joined a few groups on Meetup and have made a couple of friends. I have monthly meetings with the Yew Grove UU Pagans and the North Austin Pagans. I meet with knitters and crocheters every Tuesday and Friday.
8. My whole world has been upside-down since summer of 2011. I think it's finally beginning to turn upright again. I worry every day I'm going to fall apart again.
1. In April I was hospitalized for the third time in a year, this time for 2 weeks, where I was put on stronger medication.
2. From the middle of April through the end of June I attended an outpatient program. It left me with a sense of clarity I hadn't had in a long time.
3. CPS had me move out of my apartment by July 1. I had a case that had started back in November and was closed in June. They found me unsafe without supervision so I was no longer allowed overnight stays. I stayed with my mom and sister for a little while until I found a roommate in Austin 10 minutes away from J and the kids. Thank you craigslist.
4. I've changed my medication twice since April. Nothing is working as it should, it has made me gain so much weight I got up to 185 lbs, and I've been so frustrated with it that I haven't taken anything in a month. My symptoms have been relatively mild, thanks to the minimal stress I've had, but this isn't going to last for very long. I meet with my psychiatrist in a couple of weeks to change my medication again.
5. On July 30, J and I divorced. With my mental health and the CPS case, we thought it best to split. We are still on good terms, though I still think he has a serious superiority complex.
6. My weekends are full. I have custody of the kids from Friday night until Sunday night.
7. I'm finally getting out of the fort I built to protect myself and making friends (ones that aren't imaginary). I joined a few groups on Meetup and have made a couple of friends. I have monthly meetings with the Yew Grove UU Pagans and the North Austin Pagans. I meet with knitters and crocheters every Tuesday and Friday.
8. My whole world has been upside-down since summer of 2011. I think it's finally beginning to turn upright again. I worry every day I'm going to fall apart again.
Friday, March 29, 2013
31 Day Organizing Challenge, The End is Nigh
At the beginning of the month I mentioned this:
Now, I thought I had completely lost it for about 20 minutes before I realized I was wasting time wondering if I'd lost it.
Quick back-story: Back in August we moved into our (much smaller than what we had) apartment. Along with a big move, we also had to downsize to fit in this new place. Needless to say it's been a total nightmare. In October, we took EVERYTHING from our storage unit out and shoved it into our living room. Our "living space" was then dubbed the "Storage" because it was filled, floor to ceiling, with boxes upon boxes of our stuff.
As the months progressed, the husband and I purged like crazy getting rid of furniture we had no room for, toys the kids hadn't played with in over a year, clothes, nick-knacks, you name it! If I had it, I probably donated it to the Salvation Army. At one point I was in tears from all the stress.
In February we had a residual mess of unpacked boxes and such. You couldn't actually see any of the sitting area, and there was only a small trail from the front door to the stairs that everyone had to shimmy through. If anyone tried to stop and visit, we had an uncomfortable game of musical chairs and someone had to stay standing. So when March rolled around and I still had too much sh--junk in the living room, I said enough is enough.
For judging purposes, the following questions will be posted and answered to.
1. What space did you decide to organize and why?My living room, because it was a gigantic hot mess and I wanted a place to relax!
2. What steps did you take to ensure you completed the space within the 31 day timeline?One day at a time, one box at a time. I didn't throw everything into a gigantic pile. I started with small things, sorted, purged, and then moved on to the next small pile.
3. What was the hardest part of the challenge for you and how did you overcome it?The hardest thing that I came across was getting rid of things I was fond of or had kept because it was a memento of a special time in my life. I overcame this obstacle by taking a picture of it to print and put in an album. Even if I no longer had it in my hand, I could still show that I had it once upon a time and remember why I had kept it for so long.
4. What did you do with the “stuff” you were able to purge out of your newly organized space?If the stuff was in bad shape, it was thrown in the dumpster. Piles upon piles of papers and such were sent to recycle. Everything else, like all the old baby things, and clothes, etc, were boxed up and picked up by or dropped off at The Salvation Army.
5. Tell me one of your proudest moments during this challenge?
I'm a half-asser. I couldn't tell you the last time I started something and actually finished it. The fact that I was able to flail about for an entire month and actually accomplish something...AWESOME.
I'm a half-asser. I couldn't tell you the last time I started something and actually finished it. The fact that I was able to flail about for an entire month and actually accomplish something...AWESOME.
6. Explain any organizing “tools” you used to help you create additional space and to establish some limits and boundaries?
I can't think of any....
I can't think of any....
7. What is ONE piece of organizing advice you’ve learned on this journey that you could encourage someone else with?
Everything is a PROCESS. A little at a time can really make a hug difference.
And now, the pictures!
Everything is a PROCESS. A little at a time can really make a hug difference.
And now, the pictures!
Here is my living room before:
 |
| before: view from front door |
 |
| before: view from kitchen |
 |
| before: view from front door |
 |
| before: view from stairs |
 |
| before: view from stairs |
See all those lovely boxes and whatnot? Oh the joys of moving! *snort**choke**gag* I had to take several pictures just so you could so all of the mess in such a tiny space!
With extra help from the husband, here is my living room now:
 |
| after: view from front door |
 |
| after: view from kitchen |
 |
| after: view from stairs |
Now in the middle picture, the view from the kitchen, you'll notice that the chaise has a few little bins on it. Those will be going upstairs, as they are office supplies and don't belong here. As for the boxes surrounding the chaise, those are "keep" piles that need to be reevaluated. During the initial purge, these things were kept. Now we have to go through them again, and purge some more. There's even a box by the couch that is for donation to the Salvation Army that I accidentally left behind today.
We're not done with the space, but this challenge has given me the tools I needed to really make a big dent in organizing my new home. As for the bookshelves, that was my husband's idea. We had originally meant for our spare room to be a library with the "office" downstairs, but it seemed convoluted, inconvenient, and cramped. The large furniture would not have fit well. While I was away with the children for spring break, my husband took it upon himself to switch the two around. Now our classroom and office supplies and furniture are upstairs, where they can fit more comfortably, and our library downstairs, where we can entertain both our mind and our senses. So a round of applause to J, with whom this would not have been made possible. (I don't have that kind of upper body strength!)
I want to give a shout out and a big thank you to Laura at Orgjunkie.com for coming up with this challenge. While I have participated in her challenges over the past three years, I've never truly used the tools and advice she provides like I did this time around. I also want to congratulate all the others who did this challenge. We could do it, and we did! Also, we're awesome! ;)
Friday, March 01, 2013
Org Junkie’s 31 Day Organizational Challenge
So, back in August, the family and I moved to Austin into a 3-bedroom apartment. In October, we got EVERYTHING out of our storage unit and packed into the living room. Now this wouldn't have been such a big deal if we hadn't moved from a 2-story, 4-bedroom Victorian house into this tiny apartment. Even though we had gotten rid of, thrown away, and donated a MULTITUDE of things, stuff, and junk, we still had too much. The living room was packed, floor to ceiling, with nothing but boxes. Come March, and my living room only remotely resembles a space to relax and watch a movie.
Five months is a ridiculously long time to organize a space, but this mess is just as ridiculous. On top of that, I spent a total of two months taking care of sick children thanks to a just-as-ridiculous cold that was making its rounds throughout the entire CenTex area. This living room is stressing me out! I don't even want to look at it! I am determined, however, to get this room organized! This is the reason why I have joined up with a bunch of other clutter-whelmed people for OrgJunkie's Organizing Challenge. By the end of this month, I hope to have cleaned up the entire living room and made it a gathering place for the family, a place to relax, a place to have fun and entertain.
Here is what my living room looks like now:
See why this is terrifying? Don't worry, though. I got this! ... I think. :-/
Monday, December 31, 2012
End of 2012
As the last day of the 2012 year, I am left reflection upon the last 365 days, today being the 366th. There has been a lot of pain, frustration, and confusion this past year, and I'm hoping to not have this much on my shoulders this upcoming year. I look through old entries in my journals, old and new, dusty hardbacks, paperbacks, and those typed up on the computer, and find myself seeing so many failures and disappointments. I feel like I have written books full of all of my mistakes and haven't truly learned from them. This coming year, I hope to change all that. I hope to be able to do what I want and need to do to be a better person.
I'm not setting goals this coming year, other than getting the damn apartment unpacked. I don't want a list of things I want to do, just to look back at it later and feel the disappointment of failing at life. I will be making life changes, though, and I don't really see them as goals.
1. I will stop complaining, because harping on bad things all the time will not help on focusing on the good bits.
2. I will stop avoiding my problems. Ignoring them doesn't mean they are not there. I need to grow a vagina and face it. Vaginae, the proper plural for vagina, take a lot, stretch out to deal with it, and then get back in shape to where they were as if nothing happened. Vaginae are resilient.
3. I will stop comparing myself to others. I am no better than anyone else, and no one else is better than me. We are all equal, just in different areas of life. Coveting the lifestyle of someone else isn't helping any, I need to get it done myself and stop wishing.
4. I will stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet, that's just going to stress me out. I need to live life one day at a time, and deal with the issues at hand which are more important.
5. I will not let my problems overwhelm me. I will deal with what I can handle, if it it proves too much, I will ask for help, even if it embarrasses the shit out of me to do so.
6. I will do things that I love, and often, like reading and writing, crowding all four children in the bed with me for snuggles, making a pillow fort, or watching a movie with the husband, even if I have to drag him away from his computer.
7. I will not keep relationships that no longer serve me in a positive way. I may love someone, and care for them deeply, but if they are sucking the happiness out of me, constantly bringing drama into my life, I need to cut them out. I have enough problems to deal with than having to deal with the childish behavior of others.
8. I will not try change others. That is something the other person has to be willing to do. I need to work on me first.
9. I will stop try to please others. Not everyone is going to be happy with my life choices. That is their problem and not mine. I need to please myself, and the ones whose life I hold in my hands.
10. And lastly, because I know this will be one of the hardest, I will not emotionally tie myself to goals, people, or things. It will lead to disappointment and lack of lesson learning. This covers much of what I have already outlined and explains the beginning of this entry. Attaching myself emotionally will cause more stress and hinder progress.
I intend to grow this upcoming year. No, I WILL grow.
I'm not setting goals this coming year, other than getting the damn apartment unpacked. I don't want a list of things I want to do, just to look back at it later and feel the disappointment of failing at life. I will be making life changes, though, and I don't really see them as goals.
1. I will stop complaining, because harping on bad things all the time will not help on focusing on the good bits.
2. I will stop avoiding my problems. Ignoring them doesn't mean they are not there. I need to grow a vagina and face it. Vaginae, the proper plural for vagina, take a lot, stretch out to deal with it, and then get back in shape to where they were as if nothing happened. Vaginae are resilient.
3. I will stop comparing myself to others. I am no better than anyone else, and no one else is better than me. We are all equal, just in different areas of life. Coveting the lifestyle of someone else isn't helping any, I need to get it done myself and stop wishing.
4. I will stop worrying about things that haven't happened yet, that's just going to stress me out. I need to live life one day at a time, and deal with the issues at hand which are more important.
5. I will not let my problems overwhelm me. I will deal with what I can handle, if it it proves too much, I will ask for help, even if it embarrasses the shit out of me to do so.
6. I will do things that I love, and often, like reading and writing, crowding all four children in the bed with me for snuggles, making a pillow fort, or watching a movie with the husband, even if I have to drag him away from his computer.
7. I will not keep relationships that no longer serve me in a positive way. I may love someone, and care for them deeply, but if they are sucking the happiness out of me, constantly bringing drama into my life, I need to cut them out. I have enough problems to deal with than having to deal with the childish behavior of others.
8. I will not try change others. That is something the other person has to be willing to do. I need to work on me first.
9. I will stop try to please others. Not everyone is going to be happy with my life choices. That is their problem and not mine. I need to please myself, and the ones whose life I hold in my hands.
10. And lastly, because I know this will be one of the hardest, I will not emotionally tie myself to goals, people, or things. It will lead to disappointment and lack of lesson learning. This covers much of what I have already outlined and explains the beginning of this entry. Attaching myself emotionally will cause more stress and hinder progress.
I intend to grow this upcoming year. No, I WILL grow.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Still Standing.
I am alive. I'm still here. Just have a lot going on right now.
I have really good days, and really bad ones. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
Just taking one day at a time.
On day at a time.
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I have really good days, and really bad ones. Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning.
Just taking one day at a time.
On day at a time.
<3 p="p">
Friday, August 17, 2012
FAT
I am 40lbs overweight.
At 5'1, I am 155 lbs. I'm a thick girl, bottom heavy, and busty, but this is too much weight. When I met my husband I was 95lbs. When we got married I was 110. After birthing 4 of his children, I am not 155 lbs! That is MORE than I was when I was 9 months along with any of the kids! This needs to stop...now!
Starting tomorrow: portion control. I've already been exercising, doing yoga to deal with my stress. J got me p90x and Insanity, so going to be doing those starting tomorrow after chores. This weight NEEDS to come off, like yesterday.
The problem I'm having is that I have been binging like crazy. I binge when stressed. I've been managing well the past couple of week since doing yoga, but I still can't believe how big I've gotten. I may have to do a fast. I'm going to have to ask my mom how she does it, since she fasts all the time without getting sick.
Fingers crossed I get all this crap off my bones!
At 5'1, I am 155 lbs. I'm a thick girl, bottom heavy, and busty, but this is too much weight. When I met my husband I was 95lbs. When we got married I was 110. After birthing 4 of his children, I am not 155 lbs! That is MORE than I was when I was 9 months along with any of the kids! This needs to stop...now!
Starting tomorrow: portion control. I've already been exercising, doing yoga to deal with my stress. J got me p90x and Insanity, so going to be doing those starting tomorrow after chores. This weight NEEDS to come off, like yesterday.
The problem I'm having is that I have been binging like crazy. I binge when stressed. I've been managing well the past couple of week since doing yoga, but I still can't believe how big I've gotten. I may have to do a fast. I'm going to have to ask my mom how she does it, since she fasts all the time without getting sick.
Fingers crossed I get all this crap off my bones!
Let it Rain over Me
This separation from my family is killing me. I hate not being able to be at home. Today will mark one month since CPS opened their case. We have yet to move foward because things didn't get processed the way they should have. Because of someone else's mistake, my family continues to suffer over this. I hate having to sit down with my daughters every time they ask me when I can come home and have to tell them, not yet.
I applied for SSI. I had my appointment today. Hopefully I get this. I also found an apartment in Austin for a reasonable price that we could move into. I'm hoping that our deed-in-lieu doesn't disqualify us, or the fact that we've only been in these apartments for the past three months. Fingers crossed.
I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again.
I applied for SSI. I had my appointment today. Hopefully I get this. I also found an apartment in Austin for a reasonable price that we could move into. I'm hoping that our deed-in-lieu doesn't disqualify us, or the fact that we've only been in these apartments for the past three months. Fingers crossed.
I feel like I'm losing my mind all over again.
Thursday, August 09, 2012
Clarity
While things kind of suck right now, since getting my diagnosis, my life makes so much sense now!
Saturday, August 04, 2012
You Are Exceptional
Life feels so dreary these days. My little rays of sunshine are away in Austin with their uncle, and as much as I would love to be with them, that privilege has been stripped away from me. This whole CPS case is leaving me feeling more depressed than I was three weeks ago in the psychiatric unit. The kids are taken to their uncle’s at 6 in the morning. While I can go with them, I’ve been staying at my mother’s which is a good 20-minute drive away from my apartment. Even if I stay at my sister’s (who lives, at most, a 10-minute drive away) I don’t have the proper transportation to get me back to my apartment at 5 AM and then back to my sister’s at 10 PM. It’s a waste of resources we just don’t have right now.
It makes my heart hurt knowing I can’t be left alone with my children. Yes, I know why this situation has been set in place. I know I wasn’t safe to be around due to the fact that my schizophrenia hit it’s peak, but I’m tired of being treated like a bomb that can blow at any moment. I’m getting tired of having to have someone with me at all times just so I can be with my children. I abhor the fact that I’m in this situation. I’ve taken damn good care of those children, my flesh and blood, for almost seven years now without prior incident. I lose my mind, and seek help, knowing that I could be a danger to my children, and get punished for it! I wish I could go back to the hospital and smack the stupid social worker who started this mess, who has never suffered from a mental illness in her life. If I was truly going to hurt my children, wouldn’t I have done it by now?!
The thought of all this gives me headaches. I detest the feeling I get when I wake up in the morning, in my mother’s guest bedroom, surrounded by no one. I don’t wake up to a baby talking and squealing. I don’t get to tell toddlers to stop opening my door. I don’t get woken up by kisses. I’m alone in a king-sized bed with no one to share it with. I’m not allowed overnight stays at my own apartment if my children are there.
I’m wondering if I should have stayed at the psychiatric unit. It’s not much different from what I do here. At least there I had people to talk to, activities planned to take up time during the day. At least there I wasn’t so alone. I could legitimately miss my kids and my husband because they were 160 or so miles away. This void feels superficial. My children are in the same town as I am and I can’t even be with them.
I’m trying to stay positive. I understand why the social worker called CPS. I understand why CPS is taking the measures it needs to. I understand, but just because I understand doesn’t mean I like it. Just because I understand doesn’t mean I think this entire situation is ridiculous and a taint to my good name. It’s hard to stay positive when I’m not allowed to be alone with my kids in our own home.
I feel drained. The medicines I’m on work. I’m finally better and I can’t even enjoy it. I finally get a vacation away from the children and I don’t want it. It was forced upon me. I’m still depressed, but no amount of medicine could make me feel better right now. Every time I have to say good bye to the children at night makes the rest of that night disagreeable to the nth degree.
A whole month left of this preposterous case. I hope I can make it. My psyche has been through enough; I don’t want to end up where I started.
Thursday, August 02, 2012
Schizoaffective
Finally broke. Ended up in the psych ward for two weeks. I've been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. It's a combination of schizophrenia and bipolar mood disorder. Things from my past are finally making sense. All of my hallucinations and delusions now have a cause.
I'm in the middle of a CPS case now. It's no fun, but I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard. I miss my kids. It makes me wonder if I should have just stayed at the psych ward.
I published my journal from my two-week stay at the hospital.
www.cracked-schizo.blogspot.com
That is all.
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Monday, May 07, 2012
YAY
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Tuesday, May 01, 2012
Power Month
It's finally May. May is the month for me. I believe it's so. I picture it and believe it is the month that will tip the balance. Everything has been at a standstill for months, but I pray this month is the one that will make things happen.
It's been two weeks since Luis Nuñez died. I went through old journal entries, finding his name in the pages, remembering how life was. I've been in reflection since. If I died tomorrow, I want my family to be able to say I did something with my life, for my life...
We were finally approved for public housing. Well, we've been approved since February, but now we are off the wait list. At the end of the month we should be moving into our new apartment. It works out perfectly. We had been staying with Gin and Doug in Cove, but their lease is up come June 1. We have a few things to pack from there that belong to us, but we will be helping them move to OK as well.
At first I panicked. Public housing rent is based on income. The monthly rent is 30% of your annual income, divided by twelve. Then, of course, there is the electric and water bills, not to mention the fact that we need internet access for our schooling. While J is working for my brother, the jobs are sporadic, the income unsteady. We need something that we know will keep us in the clear and where we will be able to keep paying our bills, no matter how small they are. J has a job interview on Friday morning with Scott & White hospital for an IT position. Fingers, toes, and all extremities are crossed. We need this. They are very impressed with his resumé; I hope it gets him hired ASAP. Things seem like they are getting better. I hope this continues.
We are finishing up lessons with the kids, starting our end-of-year reviews and tests. The girls have been doing well so far. I hope they continue to stay focused. It becomes tedious sometimes, but they're bright kids, the sometimes just need blinders on. As for our own schooling, J just started his last two classes yesterday. Once he is done with these two, he finally graduates and gets that damned degree in his hand. He will no longer need to bust his ass doing homework (though, knowing him, he'll continue to study.) I hope this really helps him advance in his career. I'm in my third week of my second attemt at Eng125. So far not-so good. I am currently failing because I forgot to turn in my week 1 paper even though I did all of my discussion posts. HOWEVER, I did all of my discussion posts for this week AND remembered to turn in the weekly paper, so I'm hoping to bump up my grade back to a C or higher. I'm working hard. I need to focus and continue to do well in school. I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP AGAIN. Seriously.
I'm anxious. My panic attacks have been becoming more frequent and ridiculous and I hate feeling like this. My heart races, my hands shake, and I feel like vomiting. It doesn't help that my anemia is in full swing, and that I'm having "girl" issues. DISCLAIMER: TMI MOMENT; SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH NOW: I have been menstruating for the past two weeks. I know I stopped breastfeeding a month ago and have had my tubes tied, but I still don't think hemorrhaging from my snatch for two weeks straight is normal. I see the OBGYN on Thursday to make sure there are no complications.
Things are stressful, but progressing, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, I knew there was always one, but it got pretty dark in that tunnel and very long, so it was hard to tell where in the tunnel we were. I'm glad that we are finally reaching the end of this journey so we can finally move the fuck on. I'M TIRED. I'm so excited, though. I just want all this to be done with so I can finally relax.
It's been two weeks since Luis Nuñez died. I went through old journal entries, finding his name in the pages, remembering how life was. I've been in reflection since. If I died tomorrow, I want my family to be able to say I did something with my life, for my life...
We were finally approved for public housing. Well, we've been approved since February, but now we are off the wait list. At the end of the month we should be moving into our new apartment. It works out perfectly. We had been staying with Gin and Doug in Cove, but their lease is up come June 1. We have a few things to pack from there that belong to us, but we will be helping them move to OK as well.
At first I panicked. Public housing rent is based on income. The monthly rent is 30% of your annual income, divided by twelve. Then, of course, there is the electric and water bills, not to mention the fact that we need internet access for our schooling. While J is working for my brother, the jobs are sporadic, the income unsteady. We need something that we know will keep us in the clear and where we will be able to keep paying our bills, no matter how small they are. J has a job interview on Friday morning with Scott & White hospital for an IT position. Fingers, toes, and all extremities are crossed. We need this. They are very impressed with his resumé; I hope it gets him hired ASAP. Things seem like they are getting better. I hope this continues.
We are finishing up lessons with the kids, starting our end-of-year reviews and tests. The girls have been doing well so far. I hope they continue to stay focused. It becomes tedious sometimes, but they're bright kids, the sometimes just need blinders on. As for our own schooling, J just started his last two classes yesterday. Once he is done with these two, he finally graduates and gets that damned degree in his hand. He will no longer need to bust his ass doing homework (though, knowing him, he'll continue to study.) I hope this really helps him advance in his career. I'm in my third week of my second attemt at Eng125. So far not-so good. I am currently failing because I forgot to turn in my week 1 paper even though I did all of my discussion posts. HOWEVER, I did all of my discussion posts for this week AND remembered to turn in the weekly paper, so I'm hoping to bump up my grade back to a C or higher. I'm working hard. I need to focus and continue to do well in school. I CANNOT FUCK THIS UP AGAIN. Seriously.
I'm anxious. My panic attacks have been becoming more frequent and ridiculous and I hate feeling like this. My heart races, my hands shake, and I feel like vomiting. It doesn't help that my anemia is in full swing, and that I'm having "girl" issues. DISCLAIMER: TMI MOMENT; SKIP TO NEXT PARAGRAPH NOW: I have been menstruating for the past two weeks. I know I stopped breastfeeding a month ago and have had my tubes tied, but I still don't think hemorrhaging from my snatch for two weeks straight is normal. I see the OBGYN on Thursday to make sure there are no complications.
Things are stressful, but progressing, and there seems to be a light at the end of the tunnel. Granted, I knew there was always one, but it got pretty dark in that tunnel and very long, so it was hard to tell where in the tunnel we were. I'm glad that we are finally reaching the end of this journey so we can finally move the fuck on. I'M TIRED. I'm so excited, though. I just want all this to be done with so I can finally relax.
Monday, April 09, 2012
Things That Make My World Go 'Round
On Wednesday, April 4th, J began his work under contract with my brother. My brother recently started his own little company, and they do contract work with remodeling, repair, yard work, et cetera. J worked nonstop from Wednesday morning at 8am, until Thursday afternoon at 3pm. He came home anywhere between 9pm and 11pm during the days inbetween. Needless to say he was exhausted. I was pretty bushed myself. Being mother to four very small, very needy children, not a small task. Rose was having a very hard time adjusting, missing her daddy who had been present every day for pretty much the past two years. Dorian, being only a couple of months old, is of course demanding. Thankfully, he's been off since Thursday afternoon and won't be back at work until tomorrow so the girls have spent as much time with him as possible if he wasnt a)catching up on sleep or b) catching up on his homework.
Yesterday, I took the husband! and the children to church for Easter. The kids had a great time, well, the girls did. I believe Dorian slept through most of it, and I was so tired I don't remember much either. We had a huge lunch afterwards and then came home to take a much needed nap.
My mother spoke to the housing development today. We've been on the waitlist since February and we wanted to know where we stood. As of today, we have anywhere between 60 to 80 days before we have out FOUR-bedroom apartment. Yay! We had been staying at my father-in-law's house for the past couple of months, but he left on Thursday to Oklahoma where he found a better job. The lease on the trailer goes up in June, so Gin text-messaged me today to let me know that the landlord would be coming soon to try and get someone else to rent the place by that time. We weren't supposed to be there, so this week I will be getting our stuff out of there and into my mom's house. We've been staying at my mother's since last week due to the fact that I didn't want J driving a good 20 to 30 extra minutes to get to work and then another 20 to 30 excrutiating minutes back home. This way, he only drove 10, if even that. My brother doesn't live far from my mom.
I'm anxious. I want to get my apartment already. With J finally working, we've been able to pay some old bills and save a little. We already have the $200 that we will need for the deposit on the apartment. Apparently they are new, from what my mom tells me, but I have yet to see them.
I'm planning on going back to school, but I have a lot of things to take care of first. I need to pay my school back 2k. I have 2k from VA that I didn't use, but it's technically not mine to use as I owe them that back. I'm thinking of using it, restarting my VA, and VA will pay itself back. I just need to find a scholarship of some kind on top of the Pell Grant I will be getting so that I can continue when my VA ends in June.
I feel super tired. So much to do, so little time, so little brain to do it with.
Yesterday, I took the husband! and the children to church for Easter. The kids had a great time, well, the girls did. I believe Dorian slept through most of it, and I was so tired I don't remember much either. We had a huge lunch afterwards and then came home to take a much needed nap.
My mother spoke to the housing development today. We've been on the waitlist since February and we wanted to know where we stood. As of today, we have anywhere between 60 to 80 days before we have out FOUR-bedroom apartment. Yay! We had been staying at my father-in-law's house for the past couple of months, but he left on Thursday to Oklahoma where he found a better job. The lease on the trailer goes up in June, so Gin text-messaged me today to let me know that the landlord would be coming soon to try and get someone else to rent the place by that time. We weren't supposed to be there, so this week I will be getting our stuff out of there and into my mom's house. We've been staying at my mother's since last week due to the fact that I didn't want J driving a good 20 to 30 extra minutes to get to work and then another 20 to 30 excrutiating minutes back home. This way, he only drove 10, if even that. My brother doesn't live far from my mom.
I'm anxious. I want to get my apartment already. With J finally working, we've been able to pay some old bills and save a little. We already have the $200 that we will need for the deposit on the apartment. Apparently they are new, from what my mom tells me, but I have yet to see them.
I'm planning on going back to school, but I have a lot of things to take care of first. I need to pay my school back 2k. I have 2k from VA that I didn't use, but it's technically not mine to use as I owe them that back. I'm thinking of using it, restarting my VA, and VA will pay itself back. I just need to find a scholarship of some kind on top of the Pell Grant I will be getting so that I can continue when my VA ends in June.
I feel super tired. So much to do, so little time, so little brain to do it with.
Friday, March 09, 2012
Interviewed
I had a job interview a couple of days ago at First National Bank Texas for a bilingual teller position. It's still in review (since Wednesday) and it's driving me nuts. I really NEED this job and I'm just praying we get it. With it, I can pay my in-laws back, and pay off my school debt. Then, when we get off the wait-list for public housing, I can easily pay the rent.
Unknowingly, J and I have been going to my mom's every Tuesday to do laundry. I've been spending a lot of time with her, which has been good. She finally found the source of all her pain. Apparently, when she had her car accident, she had internal injuries that became infected. The infection cleared itself out, and left a large mass of scar tissue that has been pressing against her organs and causing her excrutiating pain ever since. She has several surgeries set up for the future. One is to extract the three tumors in her colon. Another is to remove the tumor in a kidney. And the last one is to remove as much scar tissue from her side as possible.
In general, we're doing okay. Just waiting...
Unknowingly, J and I have been going to my mom's every Tuesday to do laundry. I've been spending a lot of time with her, which has been good. She finally found the source of all her pain. Apparently, when she had her car accident, she had internal injuries that became infected. The infection cleared itself out, and left a large mass of scar tissue that has been pressing against her organs and causing her excrutiating pain ever since. She has several surgeries set up for the future. One is to extract the three tumors in her colon. Another is to remove the tumor in a kidney. And the last one is to remove as much scar tissue from her side as possible.
In general, we're doing okay. Just waiting...
Thursday, February 02, 2012
Things Are Slowly Looking Up.
1. Our application for public housing was approved. We are currently on the wait-list. We almost were rejected due to losing the house back in August, but due to the circumstances and the fact that we did a deed in liue instead of a forclusure, they waived that information and approved the application anyway. Currently, we are in the top spot for the 4-bedroom wait list. However, Lisa, the social worker, is trying to find an empty 3-bedroom to house us in until a 4-bedroom is available. While there are 2-bedrooms available, it is required by law that a family of five be housed in a 3-bedroom, and a family of 6 in a 4-bedroom. The only reason they can loophole that is because Dorian will be a newborn and I co-sleep for the first two years.
2. Mother reminded me that she has a friend who works in KISD. I'm hoping that she can help J out with work. We are in desperate need. He has searched evereywhere, and everywhere has rejected him. However, he still refuses to apply at minimum wage jobs, such as Subway or McDonald's. I'm a little pissed at this. Beggars can't be choosers, and right now, we are living off of family. The fact that minimum wage is beneath him is irritating. I know he has concerns about school and how minimum wage would keep us afloat, but at this point, we have NOTHING, so arguing that fact is pointless. However, I've already said my peace on the matter. I'm done and doing my own thing. I'm not worrying about his ass if he's not getting his shit together the way *I* think he should.
3. Five more days. I have a pre-op appointment first thing tomorrow morning and then at 7am on the 7th, this baby is coming out!
4. I'm tired and hate feeling like shit all the time.
2. Mother reminded me that she has a friend who works in KISD. I'm hoping that she can help J out with work. We are in desperate need. He has searched evereywhere, and everywhere has rejected him. However, he still refuses to apply at minimum wage jobs, such as Subway or McDonald's. I'm a little pissed at this. Beggars can't be choosers, and right now, we are living off of family. The fact that minimum wage is beneath him is irritating. I know he has concerns about school and how minimum wage would keep us afloat, but at this point, we have NOTHING, so arguing that fact is pointless. However, I've already said my peace on the matter. I'm done and doing my own thing. I'm not worrying about his ass if he's not getting his shit together the way *I* think he should.
3. Five more days. I have a pre-op appointment first thing tomorrow morning and then at 7am on the 7th, this baby is coming out!
4. I'm tired and hate feeling like shit all the time.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
...
Anniversary didn't go as planned. J had homework to do and I felt like shit so we stayed home instead and gave the gift card to the in-laws so they can use it when they want. We stayed up well past midnight, headed to Kesia's house aroung that time and hung out for a couple of hours. We currently have an inside joke of "teamwork" and the Wonder Pets' theme song.
I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.
I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.
I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.
I am in a bunch of pain today and I've been feeling worse. I've been nauseaous and woozy for most of the day. Gin made J and I get off the living room furniture and let us lay in her bed for a couple of hours. It made me more aware of everything that hurts. My back is killing me. I just want to be done with this already. I hate being in this much pain.
I don't know where I'm sticking the baby when he comes home. I'm sure that I'm not going to want to leave the comfort and ease of the hospital. I'll have my own bed, not a recliner, and the baby and I will be comfortable in a larger room. Not that I'm not grateful for being here. I just wish we had something that we could be comfortable in. There are no homeless shelters in Killeen, and even if their were, we would still have something to do during the day.
I am very very tired.
I can't handle life anymore.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Seven Years
So I didn't realize until 11pm last night that today is my wedding anniversary. How sad is that? We have had so much shit on our plate that I actually forgot our wedding anniversary.
I'm going to see if the in-laws are willing to watch the girls in the evening & J & I can use the girst card he got on his birthday for an anniversary dinner.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Here We Go Again
When it rains, it pours. *sigh*
Well, due to irreconcilable differences, my sister kicked my husband out of her house yesterday afternoon. Things had become hectic at her house due to the stress and she believes he is verbally abusive to me and our daughters. Considering I have been with this man for the past ten years and *know* when he is being abusive, my husband is just a dick, especially now when stress and tension is high. No one seems to believe me when I say I know my husband better than they do. *facepalm*
And yes, he has been a major dick to me and to the girls a lot lately. He realizes this; we talk every night, something no one else sees as we do it in private, but I apparently don't "see the problem" because I'm on the "inside". The way we raise our daughters is also an issue, yet when asked to call CPS if she truly believes we are neglegent in any way with our children, my sister told him to get out. She tried to emphasize to me that she wasn't kicking me or the girls out, but even Lily explained to my sister that we were leaving together. She can kick whomever she wishes out of her house, but I'm not keeping my husband away from his daughters.
Needless to say, I'm not going to just sit back and not stand behind my husband, so we all packed our things and are staying at his father's house. The girls and I are staying in their little 4yo cousin's room and my husband on the couch. We're cramped, but it will have to do. Rose and Iris think it's another fun sleep over. Lily, however, broke my stepmom-in-law's heart yesterday when she asked her if there was going to be any fighting here, too. Knowing how much this is damaging my children hurts so much. I wish I could make all this hurt and pain and insecurity go away.
My brother tried to convince us to stay at his house for now while he and his dad stayed at my mom's and sister's respectively, but we refused. He then suggested my mom's house, as they had been working on the large guest room to make it ready for us anyway, but we also refused. It's not that we don't appreciate their help, it's just that we are tired of CONSTANTLY being judged. We are judge for our religious prefrences, we are judged for our parenting and schooling choices, we are judged on how we handle our situation, we are judged for everything. A person can only please so many people, and the ones who are the most important, no one seems to realize how all this judgment of thier parents hurts them.
I am very, very depressed. As well as very stressed out. So much so that I was admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon to check and monitor the baby (I'm now 37 weeks.) I'm in incredible amounts of pain, not to mention I am already considered high risk due to 3 prior c-sections. Dorian and my uterus both seem to be okay but I don't know how I'm going to be holding up. I am horribly exhausted both emotionally and physically and I worry about how much this affects my unborn son.
I'm having a very hard time staying positive. We have yet to hear back from public housing and probably won't hear from them for a while. J has had nothing but rejections from his job-search attempts. I don't know how much more of this I can handle in the next two weeks. Dorian will be here by the 7th. I just don't know how long I can hold on.
Well, due to irreconcilable differences, my sister kicked my husband out of her house yesterday afternoon. Things had become hectic at her house due to the stress and she believes he is verbally abusive to me and our daughters. Considering I have been with this man for the past ten years and *know* when he is being abusive, my husband is just a dick, especially now when stress and tension is high. No one seems to believe me when I say I know my husband better than they do. *facepalm*
And yes, he has been a major dick to me and to the girls a lot lately. He realizes this; we talk every night, something no one else sees as we do it in private, but I apparently don't "see the problem" because I'm on the "inside". The way we raise our daughters is also an issue, yet when asked to call CPS if she truly believes we are neglegent in any way with our children, my sister told him to get out. She tried to emphasize to me that she wasn't kicking me or the girls out, but even Lily explained to my sister that we were leaving together. She can kick whomever she wishes out of her house, but I'm not keeping my husband away from his daughters.
Needless to say, I'm not going to just sit back and not stand behind my husband, so we all packed our things and are staying at his father's house. The girls and I are staying in their little 4yo cousin's room and my husband on the couch. We're cramped, but it will have to do. Rose and Iris think it's another fun sleep over. Lily, however, broke my stepmom-in-law's heart yesterday when she asked her if there was going to be any fighting here, too. Knowing how much this is damaging my children hurts so much. I wish I could make all this hurt and pain and insecurity go away.
My brother tried to convince us to stay at his house for now while he and his dad stayed at my mom's and sister's respectively, but we refused. He then suggested my mom's house, as they had been working on the large guest room to make it ready for us anyway, but we also refused. It's not that we don't appreciate their help, it's just that we are tired of CONSTANTLY being judged. We are judge for our religious prefrences, we are judged for our parenting and schooling choices, we are judged on how we handle our situation, we are judged for everything. A person can only please so many people, and the ones who are the most important, no one seems to realize how all this judgment of thier parents hurts them.
I am very, very depressed. As well as very stressed out. So much so that I was admitted to the hospital yesterday afternoon to check and monitor the baby (I'm now 37 weeks.) I'm in incredible amounts of pain, not to mention I am already considered high risk due to 3 prior c-sections. Dorian and my uterus both seem to be okay but I don't know how I'm going to be holding up. I am horribly exhausted both emotionally and physically and I worry about how much this affects my unborn son.
I'm having a very hard time staying positive. We have yet to hear back from public housing and probably won't hear from them for a while. J has had nothing but rejections from his job-search attempts. I don't know how much more of this I can handle in the next two weeks. Dorian will be here by the 7th. I just don't know how long I can hold on.
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