Today is the Summer Solstice. I wish I had most of my witchy stuff here with me so I could make a small altar in my work space in the basement, but alas.... I'm meeting a fellow witch today in a couple of hours; hopefully. We keep having to reschedule for one reason or another, but hopefully today will work out.

Through an online request, I became an ordained minister. It was as simple as just sending them your information and they e-mailing you back. I hope my mother never finds out. She worked hard to become a minister, spending money and a lot of time on her theology courses. All I did was e-mail Universal Life Church out of curiosity.

I'm going to be teaching an online course in divining with runes. I did a rough daft, and there are about 15 lessons total, but they are pretty small and easy to follow. Only 3 quizzes, 2 journals, and the final exam. All I need to do is come up with a grading system and a grading policy. I may even get paid for the course. I really hope I do. I need a couple of bucks here and there considering that I'm quitting my Mary Kay business as it's not working out.

Since being put on Lexapro, my emotions have changed quite noticeably. I'm quite pleased with the outcome. True, I still suffer the side-effects that come with the drug; nausea, shakiness, dizziness, and drowsiness, but I'd rather be in a good mood in the morning, than pissing and moaning throughout the day. Even J has noticed the difference. I missed one pill and was horribly cranky. It's side that I have to depend on a pill to keep me emotionally stable, but at the same time, I am not surprised. I need to just deal with the fact that I may have to be dependant of this to function. I've tried multiple times to go without medication, and it just doesn't work.

I'm taking my friend Draco's advice (along with Cindy's and J's) on making blankets and selling them. I started making a website, but it needs a lot of work, and right now, I don't have the time for it. I'm making a couple of blankets before I start selling them as gifts for friends and will take pictures of them for example purposes. I'm hoping that this will do a lot better than Mary Kay. I posted a notice in witchvox about my blanket and pillow making as I know how to make a specified pouch inside to put herbs for aroma therapy in. One of the pillows my mom sent Lily gave me the idea. It smells of roses and lavender.

J got us bikes along with the little baby trailer to attach to the back end. We're hoping to do a lot of bike riding, but it is proving to be difficult. The weather has been incredibly hot. I can only take the dog out for a few minutes before I begin to get very ill. I can barely make the 10 minute walk to the library with the baby before I start feeling dizzy. I've been indoors for the most part, though we have gone to the pool. Only once. The sun is just too much. I can barely make it anywhere before feeling the urge to pass out.

I'm a lot bigger than I thought I was. I've barely gained any weight this pregnancy, but I'm not worried about it, as I had the same problem with my first and she came out just fine. I don't wish to gain too much weight anyway, as getting it off, during the holidays for that matter, would just be too much a of a hassle. I'm glad we eat extra healthy here. Tons of fruits, vegetables, and whole wheat. When Lily wants a snack it's either fruit, crackers, or a slice of bread. I think I gave her a slice of chicken once.

Wow, I didn't mean to talk so much. I'm just in a really good mood today and obviously very chatty. I hope this keeps up and that the meds continue to work. I helps when Lily is being a terror.

After this month, I am thinking of quitting my Mary Kay business as I am losing more than I am gaining. I'll give it one last hoorah beofre the month is through, but if I cannot get a a $400 order by the end of this month, I'm done. I don't want to keep wasting my time and energy on something that is not working out. After June my status is near termination anyway since I canh't keep up with making an order over 200 wholesale every two months. Anyway, I'm babbling I just wanted to let those of you who were my customers know. Even though I was uber excited about the new men's line, no one is biting. *sigh* Oh well. Here's hoping that I find something better or better luck next time...

We bought a dog yesterday from the Humane Society. She was an owner surrender. She's a gorgeous blond cocker spaniel mix. She's absolutely adorable and very sweet. Thankfully, she's already been trained, so she'll go to the door when she needs to go to the bathroom and she already knows sit, come, and lay down. Lily absolutely adores her. She'll give her hugs and kisses and just love all over her. I have to keep reminding her to be gentl though. She's a bit of a rough-houser and I know how much pain my little tyke can cause. She does it to me all the time when we play; hell, even when we don't play.

Missy, the dog, really seems to like it here. She loves to cuddle and followes me everywhere. Now instead of 1 shadow, I have two. I'm guessing her previous owner loved her a lot and just couldn't keep her for one reason or another. I'm also guessing that it was female since she clings to me and not to J. She slept with us in the bed until I asked J to move her to the foot of the bed, where she stayed most of the night. I had to take her out at 4 so she could go.

I'm a little stressed out lately. Mainly because my child has been a terror. I know she's reaching her second birthday in half a year, and I know she can sense I'm pregnant and that things are chaninging, but she's clingy, and whiny, and bratty, and sometimes just downright mean.

Life is just a tad frustrating right now. I'm thinking of quitting Mary Kay, mainly because I can't seem to make any real business from it and I'm losing more than I am gaining. My husband thinks I should, but at the same time I don't want to. I like working with people and I just don't want to give up. I've given up on everything and never gave anything full attention. I almost gave up on my marriage just because "it got too hard." I know this is something different than my marriage but I just don't want to be that girl anymore. I want to see things through. I don't want to keep quitting. I could give you an entire list of thingsI never finished...

*sigh* I'm just making myself feel worse. There are just a lot of things constantly running through my head that I never share with anyone. I feel lonely and useless a lot, and I know that's no one else's fault but my own.

Great, I killed my own good mood.

My birhday yesterday was awesome. Justin spoiled me with presents, well, more than he normally does, of course, and packages from both my MIL and mom came in the mail; such perfect timing.

We've spent so much money recently on home improvement things, like plaster and chicken wire for the basement (as it's plastered straight to the mud and just decided to begin to fall apart) and tons of other things for the house. J also bought me a new sewing machine and the first couple of projects will be curtains and pillows/cushions for the Lily's room, and cushions for the couches in both living rooms.

I had an exciting day. I probably would have posted about it much sooner, but I passed out at about 9:30 with Lily since we had been out and about all day. This weekend has been nice and very eventful. We still need to unpack and do tons of shit to the house, but all in due time, I guess.

There are days when I wish I was just a character in a book. Where life could simply be put on pause when you placed a bookmark in its place and that every problem would easily resolve itself in the end. Or at least in the end of the series. A happily ever after, or at least something of that semblance.

I don't know how to really explain it. I just feel so... so... I don't know. Like everything isn't quite falling in to place. Like soggy wet puzzle pieces. All the pieces are there, all look as they fit, but some pieces had been dropped in a puddle and when they dried became expanded and warped to don't fit just right. Something always feels like it's a little off.

I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me again, but it's still frustrating. I know it's there, but I just don't know how to fix it. You'd think after so many years of the same loop playing over and over in your life, you would have figured it out by now. Such is not the case. I know there is something wrong in there, in the back of my mind, that makes me feel this way. I know that being pregnant makes it more prominent and I know that it's a task to try and deal and/or suppress the feelings. And I have to. I'm not a teenager anymore. I have responsibilities that I have to keep a close eye on. One is still growing in my womb, and the other is sitting next to me shoving bologna in her mouth while sticking pencils between her toes.

*sigh* It's just hormones, I bet. I just can't seem to shake this feeling off long enough.

We are in the house. Been here since Saturday. There is no cable, no internet, and right now, no furniture. I am bored out of my mind. LOL. Hope to be settled in the next few days. I turn 21 this Saturday and we may get a puppy for Lily. I'll cath up with all of you later; feel free to give me a call or send me a TXT. Lily has been a brat since we started moving and has not stopped. I am in the library with her just so she can do something to keep her occupied and me stay in one peice. She can't sleep alone; she's still scared of her new room. I think that's it.

The closing date on the house has been hop-skip-and-jumping about. It's being finalized tomorrow and we must be out of this apartment by the end of this month. I'm really excited.

School is done this quarter. I'm quite sure I failed. I don't want to go anymore. I'm too tired, and too sick, and I just don't care enough to continue right now.

I have felt so apathetic lately. I'm blaming it on hormones. But I'm either in a melancholy state or apathetic. It really bites. I'm never in a real good mood or happy unless I force it. I hate feeling this way. I keep pushing J away and the baby feels ignored when she wants to play. I do try and overcome it, it's just very difficult.

I want this pregnancy to hurry up and get to the part where I'm feeling better.

We move into our new house in just a couple of days. Truthfully, I'm freaking out. Not in a bad way, obviously, but the fact that we have our own house...it's a lot to take in.

I know J has tons of plans for all the space we have. I'm going to wait a while before I think of things we can do with it. I know I want to paint the walls, and one thing that is something I know we agreed on was finishing the basement and making it into an adult play room - pool table, dart board, that sort of thing.

I'm just very excited. I hope everyone had a lovely Mother's Day.

Here is the last batch of photos. This is the outside. I only took the front of the house, J took the rest :

And these photos go directly upstairs:

And downward to the basement! :

Anyway, my husband and I bought a new house just yesterday signing the contract. *does a little dance* I took tons of pictures, and I must admit, I'm a very tiny person with a digital camera. I tried to get the size of the rooms (as this house is huge!) but I'm not very good with photography. I guess I should just stick to playing with my kid, huh? Anyway, here's the pictures of the first floor: