Today is J's golden birthday (23 years on the 23rd of the month) and because I am sick in more ways than I had intended to be, everything that I had planned for this day has had to be discarded. So instead, I will take this time to express of what I am thankful for...

I am thankful for family. Even though my mother and siblings can drive me mad and they irratate me quite frequently, I love them. They gave me a place to stay and offered help, though at price sometimes, they were still there when I needed them. Some of my friends I consider family. Those are the friends who gave me a couch/futon/bed to crash on when I was too exhausted to move any further or a babysitter when I needed to go somewhere and couldn't take the baby along. I'm thankful for all my friends old and new.

J-- though he has done some very stupid things in the past I can only put them behind me and move on. He has grown up so much and I am thankful and grateful of this change. Watching him with our daughter and looking into his face when he's with her shows me just how much he loves her and how much he loves "his girls". Things may be the same in some aspects, but they are still different on the ones that mean the most. I will always love him and I am glad that I gave it another chance. Not many people change from what he used to be. He went and proved to the world that he is a better person than most.

Draco-- I've known him for a couple (2) of years now and there are times that I feel we are one in the same. With the same exact issues, it's sometimes hard to tell the difference. :) I am so happy he has found happiness in Perseus and vice versa. Coming to the states was the best thing he could have ever done. He was a great friend when I was going through my tough times. I hope he knows that I will always be there for him.

Jaz and Cindy-- these two are some crazy bitches. :) LOL. But I adore them immensely. Without their support I don't know if I ever would have truly seen a light at the end of the tunnel. True the situation wasnt the best, but it was a nice relief knowing that I wasn't alone, that people understood, and that I would always have someone I could turn to. They both helped me through a lot. Even though we've never met, Jaz has watched me grow up via LJ. She's been there the entire 5 or 6 years since. And Cindy, I'm glad Jaz "introduced" us. They are both awesome and that's all I can really say.

Di-- Happyland Comix will never be the same without her. My "other half" so to speak. I thankful that we became so close in such a small amount of time. I think of her often, as creepy as that sounds, and Buddha smiles down on her.

Carol-- I only met less than a month ago in an LJ community. I'm so happy I did, too. I hope that I can help her in her spiritual journey but she has been such a great help to me in my Mary Kay business. She, too, is awesome.

I am thankful for all of the friendships that I have acquired throughout my lifetime; new or old, past and present.

I am happy, grateful, thankful for my faith. It has helped me overcome many of my obstacles. I may not be the Christian my mother wanted me to be, the Catholic my other family members are, are anything remotely in the vicinity of Allah, Yaweh, or Jesus, but I do have a faith. I do have a God(des) and I do have my ethic and morals that have help me be strong and make the right decisions in life.

Last, but surely not least, I am thankful for Lily. She was my bright northern star in the sky. She is my reason for waking up each morning and for living each day. Without her I would not be who I am and the thought that I could have lost her (twice!!) still frightens me. She is the only reason why I am still standing. She's my little faery princess, my ray of sunshine, the large pain in my ass, and the love of my life.

I can honestly say that I am content in the path I have chosen in life right now. I am a blessed little heathen. I have a loving husband who cooks and does laundry and takes care of me the way a husband should. I have a beautiful daughter, that though sometimes I just want to grab her and stick her in the trash can for being a brat, I love her with all my being. I have a roof over my head. Though this is a small place and we're all placed in one room, we are still warm during the cold nights and cool during the hot days. We are still dry from the rain and snow. There is food in my stomach, and nice furniture in our apartment. There are clothes in our closets as well as musical instruments and other things we can entertain ourselves with. There are no debts, and there are privileges that we have that most do not.

I am thankful for life and what I have been blessed with.

Woke up this morning with a yeast infection and a displaced hip.
Fucking great.
Today was not my day.

May it be a blessed day.

For those who have children and are trick-or-treating, may they be safe.

This picture is not finished and it pisses me off. I got suggestions from several people (thanks, by the way) but couldn't find anything that suited my uber-picky needs. Le sigh. Oh, well, this is what you get.

Happy Halloween and Merry Samhain

I went to church last week and enjoyed it very much. I was a bit apprehensive at first. I had decided to let Lily stay in the nursery and spent the entire service paranoid that my daughter's stranger anxiety was going to cause a stir downstairs. It never did. When I went to the nursery to pick her up she was running people over in a walker and having a good time. I follow my daughter when it comes to feelings. This was definitely a good sign. Afterward, we had coffee and I was able to meet with M, the head coordinator of OCUUPS, and some other members of the church. I enjoyed being there. I felt welcomed and intend on going there regularly. I would be there today, but I have been stricken with a massive allergy attack and half of my face has been affected.

I feel different somehow. I know I haven't changed recently. However, things still feel different. I like to think that maybe resetting my goals and holding on to my faith is what is helping me. I was "in the broom closet", as they say, for a long time. Now that I am openly Pagan, not only to my peers but my family as well, I feel as if there is nothing to hide; a weight has been lifted. I do not feel constricted or sophicated. I am not hiding. Most of my insecurities have gone in oblivion. I may not have changed in the physical, or even with random things such as what I do in routine every day, but spiritually there is a siginificant alteration in the way that I am viewing life and accepting my battles as well as my blessings. I guess the feeling had to come sooner or later. There are several times in ones life that one must beseech oneself to reorganize ones goals and outlook in life. I'm bettering myself, and my family of sorts, and that is all that matters at this point.

Maybe these are just the ramblings of a tired girl. No matter how hard I try I still find difficulty in sleeping soundly at night.

I sent in my financial application for school. If I get a response soon, I'll be starting next quarter in December. I've decided to get my degree in Information technology (same as J's). His is Database/Web Programming while mine is Web Development. I hope I'll be able to focus and not botch it like last time.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth. Umberto Eco


I have found a church in town that the website deemed interesting. I was able to call and request some sort of transport to and from the building. A woman called today and we made plans to meet at 1030 Sunday morning to head to service. It's a Unitarian church about a half hours time from home. There is a large Pagan community attending and I was invited to partake in a few of their gatherings. Friday 13 October I will meet with them at the Village Inn if things go according to plan. I'm hoping to join the Samhain ritual on the 29.

I've applied to go back to school. J and I will both have the Pell Grant and will be alternating days for classes. I'm not quite sure what to major in right now. I want to do something that will help me in the workplace but won't make me miserable doing it. I was thinking something along the lines of digital imaging or the like, early childhood education, or commercial photography. Classes start in December.

I'm thinking, with going back to school, that I should restart my role-play journal hermi_jane. I haven't written anything in a while. A very long while. I most enjoyed playing someone else other than myself.

Things are a bit hectic. Money is tight and Lil is wreaking havoc to a point where I'm exhausted at the end of the day. I don't sleep well; I've stopped taking naps due to my restlessness. J is stressed as well. He's been grinding his teeth in his sleep and his blood pressure has been high. Today we spent the day outdoors and in the local malls. It was nice to spend family time outside of the apartment. We bought some books to entertain us. One book each.

On a lighter note, I've at least lost ten lbs since I arrived here. My smoking has gotten worse, but it's the only thing that will help me not binge on food.

I'm hoping to get hired somewhere. I've place applications in fast food restaurants nearby, but to no avail. I'm tired and broke and my Mary Kay isn't going as planned. I had put up yortiz_maryk in hopes that it would help, but alas, it hasn't. Maybe some day soon. It doesn't help that I can't find a babysitter, either.

I have a $500 court fine to pay, due to me being stupid this summer, and I have no way of paying it.

...

Karma's kicking my ass.

Autumnal Equinox

Brightest Blessings!

Everything is as good as it should be. Things are going well. My daughter has me running around this entire apartment chasing after her making sure that she does not wreak too much havoc upon the furniture or appliances. I miss home a tad bit, but that is as expected.

...

I miss the ballet. I remember being a very young girl watching The Nutcracker for the first time. It was being performed at a theatre somewhere in Seattle. I had to be around six years old but I enjoyed every moment of it. I enjoyed going to the theatre and watching a performance. I even tried ballet. I was about as graceful as a cow so my pursuit to be part of a ballet company was stopped short. I stuck with my singing. It was the only thing I excelled at. I do remember a few ballet positions and such, which surprises me; it's been over a decade.

I hope I will be able to find a community theatre here where I could express my creative talent. I miss high school and I regret dropping out of university. I truly miss sewing costumes, working on make-up, sound, building and painting sets, as well as acting onstage. I remember the joy I had when my last year of high school we performed Handel's Messiah in it's entirety with the San Antonio Symphony Orchestra. I miss the stage.

...

I need something to do. I need human interaction. I don't mind spending the time with my daughter, I just need adult conversation before I go mad. I know it won't happen, not again, not this time, but having some time away from this apartment even for an hour would suffice.

We arrived in Nebraska Tuesday evening just in time to make it to J's violin lesson. The trip wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. We were on the road for six hours on Monday and stopped at a hotel for the night somewhere in Oklahoma. Lily was hating her carseat by the middle of the trip. She was so happy to be able to crawl around on a floor.

We're living a little tight now, but it's worht it. We all sleep in one room, but we at least have enough space for most of our things. I barely took anything with me, mostly the baby's things, but we're hoping to go back to Texas for the holidays.

We've settled in quite nicely this week and a half. There has been a lot of communication, and I'm actually happy. I've accepted the fact that J won't always be around to help because he works the graveyard shift and needs his rest. He's also going back to school and needs to go to class. I've accepted that I will have to be a housewife for now because that's the card I've been dealt. We're communicating and that's what matters to me. He helps me out a lot and I try to not be such a menace. He at least understands now just how much energy is needed to take care of Lily.

All in all, life has been better. I'm not stressed out, with the exception of chasing after Lily who is sticking everything in her mouth that she can possibly find. Things are working out and looking up.

After much thought and discussion, the baby and I will be moving back in with J on the 29. The visit late last month had gone rather well and the both of us were able to discuss a few points. He has changed so much and grown up in a lot of ways. His mother sees it, my mother, my sister, and myself. I'm proud of him. I hope he knows that.

I will be going back to school next month working on an associate degree in business management. I have to start from scratch due to the fact that I withdrew from my previous university before I had taken my finals for that semester. Regardless, both he and I will be going to school on alternate days so that at least one parent is home with the baby.

Life has been a bit stressful. I had to go to the emergency room late June because the day I had started my menstrual cycle, I was bleeding a sanitary napkin an hour. It's unnerving when you hemmorage that much. The service was unsatisfactory, but, being as I was uninsured at the time, I have a $2,000 debt to the ER, as well as $100 for the doctor who didn't even perform the pelvic exam that I needed.

I've been visiting my therapist again. Due to my symptoms of depression, paranoia, and anxiety, she referred me to a psychiatrist for treatment. I will be back on medication, but apparently, I need to be. I seem to function better with it. Also, my joint pain has increased and I've been going to the doctor regularly. At first he thought I may have Lyme Disease, but the second run in the lab stated negative. I have no disease, no arthritis, nor an infection. He will call me later in the week to refer me to a rheumatologist. I may be twenty, but my body feels and sounds like that of a 60 year old. I've tried to stay active, but the pain is sometimes inbearable. With all these medical visits...I take so many pills now...

There are a lot of things in my head that have nothing to do with reality. I'm not happy with myself, but I'm working on it.

These are the last three in the series of four. My element faeries that still need a LOT of work. I'm such a dork. I really need spare time nowadays, though...

So the plan for the apartment didn't work out as well as I wanted it to. *sigh* Some other day, some other time. I have plans to move out regardless even if it means moving in with friends. I can't stay at my mother's house any longer. I will drive myself insane. I did get the car, though. I need to take my road test some time this weekend or next week to get my liscense. I need work on my parallel parking.

Things have been hectic in their own sense. I am utterly broke. I needed to buy several things that Lily and I needed, and I went negative. The bank was nice enough to give me a courtesy waiver on the overdraft fee. One time deal. And diapers were needed.

Lily and I are going to visit her father in a few days. We'll be there for a week. I'm excited and a bit apprehensive. Truthfully, I have so many mixed emotions, but we'll see how things go. Some people change, some people don't...I leave the 10th.

I'm thinking of saving up money and going on a true vacation. Just grabbing my kid and leaving somewhere that I've never been for a week. I was thinking Boston, or NYC or even Hartford to go see the Wadsworth Atheneum. I've wanted to go there for a while, but money is a factor. For car rental, a cheap hotel (as in 65$ a night), then airfare and food for my monkey and me...Over 1000$ that I don't have. If I had friends in high places, or even those places it wouldn't cost me an arm, leg and kidney. Some day, maybe.

Keep positive. This too shall pass

This is a quote from one of my favourite books by one of my favourite authors. Witch Baby by Francesca Lia Block. I recommend the book (and the Weetzie Bat series it's in) and all the other books by FLB if you're stuck in a fairytale timewarp.

Out of boredom, I took my Mary Kay catalogue and went to town with it. (I sell Mary Kay cosmetics...)

I love making collages. I don't quite know why, but I do. There was no real thought process behind this one. I tend to just tear my magazines apart and then glue them on sheets of paper. Bad habit, really...

I was over at a friend's house playing a lovely round of D&D when I began doodling on the character information sheet. I liked it so much a redid it in this fashion. It soon became the first of 4 in my "element faery" series. :P It's not finished, like everything else I do.

My neighbor in the dorms (when I was going to school in 04) was taking a nap while I was sitting in her computer chair and talking with her roommate. Another failed attempt at drawing people. You must love the eye mask.

This is just a blog to post all my sketches. I'm not really any kind of artist except a bored one. I don't consider myself an artist, just an arts-and-crafts kind of girl. I seem to always manage to end up with glue, paint, and scraps of coloured paper on myself. I've even glued my clothes together. This is just something fun for me to do...

I turn 20 today. Nothing special...just a happy birthday to me.

So I made a very rough sketch budget last night with what I spend monthly and what I recieve monthly as well as putting money away for savings. After much thought, I'm going to get an apartment next month.


The room is very spacious, they cover hot and cold water, and the bills I'll have are cable, phone, and electricity. After making out my budget, I'll be cutting it pretty close, but it's very do-able. A friend of mine is selling her car for 1500$, which I saved up and already have, plus some, so I just have to add gas and insurance to the list, and it's still good.

My birthday present to myself will be the car and apartment. I love my mother and all, but I can't stand her. I need to get out of this house before I implode. It's too stressful here and she nags more than I do. I'm trying to tough it out, but I won't last for very long.

I feel good about this. I talk with the apartment manager tomorrow.

Life can seriously change you, especially the moment you become a parent.

..........

I recently went to Staples to buy the divorce kit. (Yes, they have divorce kits [and many other kits] at major office supplies stores) J and I had discussed a couple of things, but I know many more things need to be covered. I'm still trying to sort through all the papers I have to fill out and file. The faster I can do this (and hopefully without messing it up), the faster I no longer will have to keep doubting my desicions.

Many people have actually told me that I should give the marriage a second chance. But I'm still hurting. A lot. And the fact that I'm stubborn as a mule doesn't help, either. And even if I did, it wouldn't be a fair chance. Knowing my nature, I'd sit and wait for him just to mess up again. Any little excuse would do. I just don't have the patience for it. I don't think I ever did. I tried to; I wouldn't have lasted as long if I hadn't. I'm the girl who gives up on the first sign of trouble. I had to be three-and-a-half months pregnant, bruised, and severely scared to finally say "I've had enough."

I look at Lily every morning and night when she's asleep and I thank the Gods she's here with me. I could have miscarried. Someone didn't think he was harming the baby. Someone even threatened to take the baby away from me. Someone needed a reality check, and as mean as it sounds to some, I'm glad he got it.

I am so angry, and so hurt. When I first asked for the divorce he had kept saying about keeping our vows. Fuck vows. We were ruined before we were even married. I should have listened to my head. I knew it was just going to get worse. He first hit me in December. We were married a little over a month later in January. I let it go because he apologized. Funny thing was, he got pissed at me during an arguement becuase I was scared of him and would back up. Gee, I wonder why.

I guess at this point I should mention that I'm only 5-foot, 3/4 of an inch tall, and my husband, who was in the military at the time, was 30-40 pounds heavier and towers over me at 6'2".

There are times when I blame myself for this mess. Maybe if I hadn't done that, maybe if I had done more of this, maybe if I...but I didn't get him drunk, and I didn't place his hand around my neck.

He kept mentioning Matt. Matt. Matt. Matt. Fuck Matt. Matt's about as important as Wite-Out to a computer monitor. But no, Matt couldn't go. So every time he mentioned Matt, I kept my mouth shut about Tara. Yes, Tara. I never forgot about Tara. But it took him two years to mention Tara. Hell, he didn't even mention the Tara incident until after I talked about the Matt incident, which I didn't even have to tell him because he and I weren't even dating at the time it happened. We were dating during the Tara, though.

I was also "scolded" for keeping secrets, or for telling lies to keep those secrets. And yet I said nothing when he did. "Wait, what about cocaine? You told me you were having nosebleeds for some unknown reason. And what? You did what to get the cocaine? You gotta be kidding me" But did I say any of this? No. Why? 1. Because I'm stupid, apparently, and 2. I said to myself, "Let it go, Vonnie. It's in the past; he's entitled to a fresh start."

I was really trying to be a better person. I kept my mouth shut as much as I could but someone had been picking on me since I had moved to Omaha. Someone thought it'd be better to beat the niceness out of me. He also thought that reading my e-mails, without my permission, was appropriate. Oh, and I also was having fun. When in reality, I was complaining, I was miserable, and I was dying inside.

It is one of the worst feelings when you are scared of your own spouse. It's an even more worse feeling when that said spouse is on the verge of killing you and your unborn child. It is a horrible, horrible feeling that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

If it wasn't for my daughter being such a goofy baby, if it wasn't for her smiles, and giggles, her sighs, and snores, I know I would not be here today. I never said anything, but it took every ounce of energy I had to not be the stupid coward. I had the means to commit suicide, but I wanted my daughter to have the chance to live life. And still today, it takes all I have just to get out of bed or even to force myself to sleep. If I didn't love my daughter as much as I do, I don't know where I'd be right now.

I'm so glad I have Lily. I'll tell her the whole story, but obviously when she's older.