Done

I hate it when people think they can undermine my parental authority because I am "young and ignorant." Just because you are older and also have kids doesn't mean you have any idea what you are doing. Raise your own damn kids and leave me to mine. Don't give me shit about parenting classes. We've been part of the system for over 6 years and received monthly as well as bi-yearly evaluations. I know what I'm doing.
I hate being told I'm being an asshole to my children when a week later of having my children around, you, too, are being a dick.

I am so fucking tired of everyone thinking I have no grip on what is going on in my family or in our situation just because I'm 25 damn years old. I'm a good fucking parent whether anyone agrees with it or not. I know I am. We were told so by SOCIAL SERVICES as well as by a BEHAVIORAL THERAPIST that I am doing great by my kids. We.know.what.we.are.doing. Sure, it's hard, and we'll slip up, but we move one and try and do better next time. That's all we really can do. I'm just so fucking tired of everyone putting in their two cents without my asking. If I didn't ask for your opinion, I don't want to hear it. The end.

I am so emotionally tired. I am just so fucking done. People act like we are not fucking trying. It's winter break. NOBODY IN H.R. ANYWHERE IS AVAILABLE UNTIL THE 2nd!!! I am tired of everyone trying to shove us into this little cookie cutter that we don't fucking fit in. Trust me. We tried it, and our marriage bombed in the process with me pregnant and alone at my mother's, and J with a criminal record broke and living with friends.

I hate hate HATE the fact that I have to depend on others to survive. I pray that they have something for us in public housing. I can't fucking do this anymore. I am constantly being judged and criticized. Our entire family dynamic is fucked because everyone feels they have a say. I fucking give up.

Is It 2012 Yet?

The past few months haven't been as great as I had hoped. I'm still very much pregnant, but I'm also homeless. We're staying with my sister for now until we can figure something out.
My mother-in-law has cut off all communication with us. She deleted and blocked both J and I off her Facebook as well as my brother and sister. She believes that we are entitled and spoiled brats (even though we were paying her $500 monthly to help out) and the fact that I teach my children to question everything, learn about other's beliefs, and be open-minded, well-rounded children is just unacceptable. She wants us to be a cookie-cutter kind of family (kids in public school, J and I a "9 to 5" couple, etc.) but that's just not going to happen. J and I tried that---we HATED IT. It's just not how we function. It's not something we enjoyed, we were miserable and realized we work and function better as a family without it. Regardless, the fact that she hates everything about me and blames me for all of her problems caused us to be kicked out from what was supposed to be our home. Truthfully, I think it was all about money. As soon as we told her we ran out and couldn't pay her anymore, it escalated to this. She even cut herself off from her grandchildren, which I think is just sad, pathetic, and fucked up. I have never known someone to be so hateful.

The ridiculosity of this month has been stressful, but thankfully that mess is over. Now our biggest obstacle is finding a permanent home. We have an appointment with social services for government-sponsered housing on January 9. The wait-list for section 8 is 2 years right now, so we are trying to public housing I hope the wait-list, which is rumored to become 3 years, is just a rumor. We really need this.

I feel so deflated. I am so tired, but for once, my depression isn't all in my head, it's legitimate. My doctor has offered to give me something, but I won't see him until the 3rd. I wish I could lay in bed all day and do nothing, just sleep. If I didn't have any kids, maybe this would be easier, but I just feel terrible know they were in that situation and are now in this situation. I feel like a terrible parent having to put them through this. Granted, they are strong and smart girls. Lily and Iris have both understood everything that is going on, (Lily being pissed and wanting nothing to do with her grandmother; Iris telling me that "Grandma is dead" to her) but I feel like I've done something wrong. I know the girls are doing better; no more tantrums, no more bed-wetting, nightmares, or skin rashes. Even my own rashes have disappeared. I just have that nagging feeling like I forgot to do something.

We still have a ton of stuff to get out of my mother-in-law's house. She took all of our things and shoved it into her garage. If she broke anything, so Lord help me... she wasn't even supposed to touch our things, according to law. It doesn't matter now, though. J will be getting the storage in some sort of order to put our things in there again, I just hope there is room. It took us 4 months to get the stuff we had out; we only have 30 days (as of the 19th, when we were "evicted," as she puts it) to put it back in. It's time consuming, and I can't do anything to help. *sigh* I just want this to all be done already. I just want to only worry about the fact that I have 6 weeks left of this pregnancy. I just want a seriously long nap.

Oh, November

Finally started on my novel for National Novel Writing Month. Yeah, that's right. Ten more days until the end of the month and I am NOW just starting. Most people are at about 33k right now if they are keeping the steady pace of about 1.7k per day. In the past three hours of writing nonstop, I've made it to a little over 6k. I'd have to write an average of about 3.8k a day to actually win this year. I WANT to win this year. 6 years of this and not one win.

Personally, I think my novel is crap. I'll post it at the end of the month. Speaking of the end of the month, I need to make $100 retail for my Pure Romance business for me to stay active. I have tried everything, and still nothing. I don't know what else to do. I'm so effing tired. My boobs also hurt. Stupid pregnancy.

I'm so tired. I haven't slept well in almost a month.

Getting prepped and geared for NaNoWriMo this year. With no job, no school, and only my kids taking up my time, I actually have a lot of empty "me" time this year. Let's see how much I can get done next month. I have only a slight idea of what I am going to write about, hopefully as time progresses, I'll have more.
I have been in excrutiating pain. I have barely left the house. I am horribly depressed. I have made little progress in my Pure Romance business. To be honest, I'm highly dissappointed by the lack of support I have recieved from friends. It was a serious blow for me. I don't ask that they buy anything, I just want them to spread the word and support me, just like I would do for them and the only response I seem to get is "Oh, awkward." I just don't understand it. I really, really don't.

I'm pretty low these days. Lack of finance, unstable future, and this constant feeling that the bottom half of my body is trying to detach itself from the top half has me feeling exhausted. Other than occupying myself with NaNo next month, I don't know what else to do.

As If Life Doesn't Suck Enough

1. We have officially been in Texas now for about 3 weeks now. Got here the 2nd of August. It's a relief that I don't have to deal with BILLS so much now.
2. I'm struggling...HARD...at school. I'm calling my academic advisor today and dropping from school. We are shit poor anyway. It's not like we "need" the money anymore; we have nothing to save.
3. My mother and I are not speaking. She blew up and disrespected me about two weeks ago over my sexuality and choice of religion. To be honest, not having her in my life has been a relief. I'm happier being able to comfortably be me without having to tip-toe around subjects that may upset her. I refuse to speak to her until she apologizes for the way she treated me. She has deleted me off of her FaceBook (LOL) as well as from her cell's contact list. She told my sister (throw a slew of mood swings) that I was not allowed at her house. *She* chose to 'disown' me. However, she recently told my sister that I am hiding from her,  *snort* you know, since I live A BLOCK AWAY FROM HER DAMN HOUSE. I honestly believe that woman needs mental evaluation for Alzheimer's. Her memory is absolutely warped and she is horribly delusional. In all honesty, though, I am truly done with her. I have never, in my 25 years, felt so INSULTED as I did the day my mom called me, yelled at me, and then told me, verbatum, to go to hell. All I had told her, and very calmly at that, was that I was hanging up because I had refused to be treated like that. This coming from a PASTOR. She is a bigot, a hypocrite, and a fraud. I. AM. DONE.
4. I am in excrutiating pain. All of my children ended up being c-sections so my uterus isn't happy with this 4th pregnancy. The scar tissue on my uterus is stretching and ZOMG it HURTS. Guess what can be done? Not a damn thing. My OBGYN told me yesterday that my *entire* pregnancy is going to be this painful. As if life doesn't suck enough.
5. I have been horribly depressed, and I know it has to do with the hormones of this pregnancy. Either way, I don't want to be here.

Sunday's Itinerary.

[x] collect and discard all garbage and recycling
[x] discard broken crib
[x] dismantle broken dresser and discard
[x] dismantle shelves in girls' closet
[ ] dismantle and discard broken armoir
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in guest room
[ ] pack girls' clothes stored in linen closet
[ ] pack shoes
[ ] wash and pack dishes

Having a bit of a break. Now on to tackle the broken armoir. *Sigh* I have a final paper that needs to be written that is due tomorrow. I hope I have time for all of this crap.

2. Going through the motions, Playing a part

So the secret I was keep was that I am pregnant. as you probably have already guessed. I still feel like crap, first trimester and all. It's taken a few weeks, but I am not starting to enjoy the idea of another little one. It was hard for me to enjoy the idea due to the fact that I am sick AND pregnant and can't do a damn thing about it, but of the terrible timing. I did pray, I prayed that if the military was not meant to be that something needed to be put in my path to change it. I was working hard, getting physically, mentally, and academically prepared. I was ready, until I spent a week with my face in a toilet being unable to keep anything down. I figured it was stress while Mary figured that I could be pregnant. I was upset. All this hard work down the drain. Granted, I did ask the powers that be that if the military was a bad decision, stop it, but I was hoping it would have come in the way of being disqualified at MEPS, not another child. The timing was just off, what with the move and the being broke and all.

Speaking of being broke, we literally have no money left. After all the bills were paid, (J took care of the mortgage and credit card while I paid the car, water, energy, and Internet) we realized that if we were to stay here just through the month of August, we wouldn't make it. All that is left is J's 401K, which I really want him to keep. Just to get us through one more month here, he'd have to cash that out. I'm so glad we are moving. Don't get me wrong, I'm seriously going to miss this house, MY house, and the friends I have made here, but I'll have a place to live, and my children will be taken care of. It may not be the ideal situation, but at least we won't be homeless and starving.

So, J is REALLY enjoying being a stay-at-home dad and has decided that it is my turn to make the money. Seeing as I have very little skill in any feild, I decided to try out something I KNOW I am good at. I am now a Pure Romance consultant. You can check my website out at yvonneames.pureromance.com I'm really excited about this job. Yes, I'm going to be selling adult literature and novelty items. Yes, that means I'm selling dildos, vibrators, and pocket-pussies, but I am awesome when it comes to explaining the benefits of good sexual health.

J and I have been together for ten years, just about. We have had an entire DECADE to experiment and learn about each other's body's. We sit and research about certain sexual activities to make sure we are both comfortable and that neither of us scared or gets hurt. The things we haven't tried, we reaserch, take polls, ask questions. I am blunt, honest, and not ashamed by sexual questions. I don't get embarrassed when asking or being asked about sexual situations, and I love to learn and help people better thei sexual experiences with a partner. I want women to feel comfortable in their bodies and with their significant others. I want them to know that you don't have to be a sexual deviant to find pleasure in using toys, and that you shouldn't be ashamed of it either. I've used a lot of their products. My friend Danita, and now my sponsor, was my consultant before I got started. I use the lotions and sprays on my children! Iris has very dry and sensitive skin and it moisterizes awesomely. I can't say enough about this company.

Anyway, things are beginning to fall into place. I'm stressed, yes, but this time it's not out of absolute terror. I'm really excited. I move in two weeks. Yes, that soon. I have my friend Meg coming over next week to help me pack, and my friend Janene offered to babysit the girls so J could help pack, too. Mary has offered her jeep to throw our donations in the back for Goodwill, and I've already talked to the trash collectors to see how much extra they would charge me for all the crap I'm going to be throwing away. I have a PR party booked with my MIL in 3 weeks already. And when I get there, I've already scheduled and appointment with my old OBGYN and filled out the paperwork for food stamps and medicaid. All I have to do now is turn it in and wait for an interview. I AM SET. I'm so ready I just want this done and over with.

Children are about to start a riot if I don't give them, as Rose puts it, their "alk" (milk).

1. Lists

1. failed my SOC101 class (FUCK) even though I tried. I REALLY DID. damn it all.
2. am on academic probation. must pass next 2 classes (ENG225: intro to film & PHI103: informal logic) to get financial aid back.
3. applied for student loans on top of pell grant.
4. registered for fall classes.
5. VA finally got it's shit together and retracted my "debt." Stupid fucks
6. am enjoying my film class. currently have a 92.
7. face is puffy, rash covered, and has sinus infection.
8. xx xxxxxxxx and feel like crap.

0.

I feel so very old today. My body aches. My heart hurts. I'm weepy, but there's not much I can do about it. My allergies are KILLING me. J and I got absolutely no sleep with all my hacking and gagging, sneezing and coughing. Nothing is working, and my throat burns.

I have a secret I want to share, but now isn't the right time to share it.

Flood Update

Hwy 30, the last highway that would lead us out of town, had a levee breach yesterday, and is on the verge of being closed. It has been raining in my town for the past two days. For those of you who have been worried, my family is safe and sound over at a friend's house (Mary). She has been kind enough to let us live at her house until things settle down a bit, as we were not looking forward to being trapped in our house. Most, if not all, of the highways leading out of my town are closed. To return home for anything will take us at least an hour or so when Hwy 30 is officially closed.

Thankfully, our house is on a hill and will be minimally affected by the flood. If anything in my house were to flood, it would be the garage, and maybe the basement, but the house itself would be safe, along with important documents that are in a waterproof and fireproof safe.

Thank you to everyone who has kept us in their prayers! We are healthy and safe and far away from the flood as humanly possible.

Oh. Joy.

Thank you, unrelenting stress.
And thank you, opressive depression.

Chunks of my hair, I repeat, CHUNKS OF MY HAIR are falling out. For once, I am thankful for the ungodly amount of hair I have, even though it is fine in texture. If all else fails and I end up with bald spots, I at least already know I look awesome with a shaved head.

I'm in a complete fog. I feel do disoriented and full of rage.

Missouri River Flood 2011

It has come to my attention that, though everyone was alerted nationwide about the tornadoes in the south a few months back, no one is being alerted about the serious damage being made in the Missouri River Basin here in the Midwest.

My first video about this crisis was posted on June 13. on my pagan-related channel, requesting prayers. My second video was posted on my random channel today, as an update on the high waters. To be clear, this is not affected just my town (Missouri Valley, IA) but all the states and adjacent borders of the Missouri River.

I now leave you with the two videos I posted.

Missouri River Flood 2011 Prayer Request

Missouri River Flood 2011 Hwy 30

Your Common Sense, Your Best Defense, Lay Wasted and In Vain

I've been worrying.

I feel like all my hard work will be for naught. I'll end up losing all this weight, working my butt off every other day trying to get in shape, not being in therapy for these past almost 6 months for me to take my ASVAB, go to MEPS and then be told "Nope. Sorry. Disqualified. Have a nice day."

I'm barely passing Sociology, not for lack of trying, but because my professor didn't backtrack my grades like he said he would. I'm not going to worry about, though, since I AM passing, and it's because I am awesome. I'm actually pretty psyched about my final paper as it is a topic I am familiar with and enjoy researching (religion.)

I feel like I haven't slept in days and all I ever do is sleep if I'm not busy.

Draw a Labyrinth - wikiHow

How to Draw a Labyrinth

from wikiHow - The How to Manual That You Can Edit


Creating a labyrinth design is fun and it can be used for a puzzle, a logo, a wall picture, a book cover, and many other creative uses. This article explains the intricacies of drawing a labyrinth and provided you're patient, it's actually very easy to achieve and looks awesome.

Steps

1. Draw eight concentric circles, leaving a small circle that will serve as the labyrinth's center. (Concentric circles sit one inside the other and so on.) Label the circles from 1-8, starting with the largest circle as number 1.
   
2. At the labyrinth's center, draw a flower-like pattern. This is like the center of most labyrinths.
   
3. Draw two horizontal lines and four vertical lines across the labyrinth, taking care to avoid drawing through the center. The lines should align with the middle of the labyrinth. The lines should be equally spaced apart.
   
4. Erase lines to make labyrinth pathways. Starting with the left horizontal line, erase lines in circles 1, 2, 5, 6 and 7. Erase a part of circle 4.
   
   • When erasing, remember to make the pathway's size equal to the size of the spaces within circles.
     
5. Erase the vertical line in the first circle, and leave the rest of them untouched. Erase parts of circles 3, 5 and 7.
   
6. Erase the horizontal line in circle 7, and leave the rest of them untouched. Erase parts of circles 2, 4 and 6.
   
7. Erase the first vertical line from the left within circles 3, 4 and 7. Leave the second vertical line untouched. Erase the third vertical line from the left within circle 7, leaving the rest untouched.
   
8. Continue to erase lines within each circle to complete the pathways.
   
   • For circle 1, erase the part between the first and second vertical lines.
     
   • For circles 2 and 6, erase the part between the first and third vertical lines, as well as some from the left.
     
   • For circles 3, 5 and 7, erase the part between the first and third vertical line, as well as some from the right.
     
   • For circle 4, erase the part between the second and third vertical line.
     
   • For circle 8, erase the part between the second and third vertical line.
     

Video

This video presents a number of "seed patterns" with which to design different labyrinths.

Tips

• Use a marker to make the pencil lines darker. Or, you could paint the image if preferred.
  
• These instructions work for both paper drawing and screen drawing. Try both to see which effect you like the most.
  

Warnings

• Have patience. Labyrinths are meant to test it!
  

Things You'll Need

• Paper
  
• Pen, marker, pencil
  
• Eraser
  
• Something to display your artwork in or on (optional)
  

Related wikiHows

• How to Draw a Circle
  
• How to Draw a Perfect Circle on Microsoft Paint
  
• How to Draw A Dog Using Circles
  
• How to Draw a Circle and Its Centre Without Lifting Your Pencil
  
• How to Hand Draw a Maze
  
• How to Draw a Basic Maze
  

Article provided by wikiHow, a wiki how-to manual. Please edit this article and find author credits at the original wikiHow article on How to Draw a Labyrinth. All content on wikiHow can be shared under a Creative Commons license.

Draw a Labyrinth - wikiHow

You Can Make It Feel So Real

My new piercing is AWESOME. So totally worth it. Just saying.

I was behind two weeks in my Sociology class (mind you, we are now finishing week 2) due to my sister's car accident, the death of Johnny, and last week's concurrent power outages here, that I had until tonight to finish them all. I had hoped to get them all done yesterday, but after writing them all down, it was already passed midnight and I was exhausted. Thankfully, in less than 24 hours, I got caught up with ALL of my homeowork, I have kept in contact with my professor this entire time, and he has ok'd it and is going back into the gradebook to give me full credit. :) I now have to do a paper on the death penalty that is due tomorrow night, but thankfully I have a big chunk of information in my textbook that I can use and only have to add one more reference, that I can easily pull out of my ass. :)

I am very tired and have a lot of things to do in the house that I feel will never get done. J has been washing laundry non stop and I, the dishes. I organized the kitchen so that things (appliances) would be more accessible, but soon everything will be in boxes. So many things have to go. The girls have WAY too many toys, and Grandma's has plenty to spare, so I'm only going to keep things I love, like the pretend play toys, dolls, cars, and building things. All those little annoying toys they have strewn about are going!

The amount of clothing this family has is ridiculous. Thankfully, my friend Rachel is taking all the rest of the baby clothes, as Rose is now in 2T , which means I can now get rid of all the 18mos and 24mos clothes I have...and boy do we have a LOT. All kids shoes under size 6 are going, too.

I was worried about the furniture, but we are taking all of it with us, not to keep. Joey (J's baby brother) is getting married soon and he and is wife-to-be are moving into a new apartment next month. They have nothing, as most newlyweds and college grads do. So they are getting OUR newlyweds furniture. ;) We get to downsize AND help out family. Everybody wins!

Days Go By

My vacation, in general, went well. I had a friend of the family pass away the first week I was there, so the second week I went to the wake in Wednesday and the funeral on Thursday. I got to see some old friends from childhood, some of whom I hadn't seen in a decade, give or take a year or so. It was nice to see those faces.

I still feel out of it. I'm officially 25 now. I've hit my quarter-life, and I feel like I have accomplished very little. My mother took me out for dinner on the 29th, the day before we left. We said goodbye to everyone on the 30th, stayed at Mary's on the 31st, lounged about on the 1st, and did nothing on the 2nd, my actually birthday. A day like every other day.

Yesterday I went to Grinn and Barrett in Omaha with Michele and her husband and she and I got matching hood (vhc) piercings. J had the lines finished in his tattoo. Needless to say, husbs and I got cut and stabbed, and paid for someone to do it. Mine was free, only because James paid for it as a birthday gift. The three of us (J stayed w/ the girls at home) then had dinner at HuHot. HOLY SHIT THAT FOOD IS DELICIOUS. Just saying.

I have a lot of things to do in the house, but today is dedicated to homework and spiritual work.

I'm in a funk that I need to get out of.

Dancing 'Til The World Ends

• Everyone is ok from the accident. Juanita got the brunt of the force, so she is banged up pretty bad. Both she and my sister, however, had no broken bones or anything, and though are both excruciatingly sore from the incident, will be fine in a couple weeks.
• My mom's kitchen is covered by insurance. They'll be remodeling it soon.
• J paid my school last night so my holds were removed. I start my newest class, Sociology 101, on Tuesday.
• I got on the elliptical today. I'm in a good mood. "Endorphines make you happy. Happy people don't just shoot their husbands."

Humidity 100%

You'd think a vacation would be just that--a vacation. It has been anything but.

I'm seriously stressed out right now. My anxiety is so high, I feel like I'm doped up on caffeine and ready to pass out. My heart is reacing, my hands are shaking, I have the jitters so bad my eyes can't focus even with my glasses on, and if I lay down, my body starts to shiver. I'm on the verge of tears every 5 seconds.

I guess I should explain. Everything was perfectly fine when we got here. No problems at all. Until J and I started discussing my science class, that I am failing, and gave up on, and the amount of money I owe the school. Of course if this doesn't get paid, I do not get my VA education benefits that are paying our bills. At the same time, we just don't have 1k to spend on school. I don't owe this money because I failed my class. This is just what I owe after a year at the school. J, however, still blames me. No matter how hard I try and explain ANYTHING to him, I'm an asshole and it's all my fault.

My sister accidently caught my mom's kitchen on fire. I cut my hand yesterday, trying to clean the bits of glass off of the stove that exploded from the microwave. To top that off, my sister, and my friend, Juanita, were in a car wreck last night and are both in the hospital. I was up until 2 or 3 in the morning on the phone with everyone since I couldn't go anywhere. With my anxiety the way it is, I can't operate heavy machinery, and J and his mom had been drinking, so they couldn't take me.

I am so tired of life. No matter where I go, it seems like life just keeps shitting on my parade. It's not even raining, it is just flinging poo from the sidelines.

Just keeping my family in prayer. That's all I can do now.

Happy Mother's Day to Me.

I know it's early, by a couple of hours, really, but I'm determined to have a good day. I have been so down and irritable lately, I NEED to get my ass in gear. Tomorrow will be a productive day, and I WILL spend it with my children, all three of my incredibly wonderful children.

If you don't already know, I have three daughters.

Lily Anna was born 12/26/05 at 11:52 PM, eight days after her due date, after 17 hours in the hospital, and an emergency cesarean because she entangled herself in her cord. She was 21 in.; 7 lbs., 11 oz. and had so much hair, I could put bows in it the day she was born. She is currently 5-and-a-half-years-old and is amazingly brilliant. She self-taught herself how to eat with a spoon, potty-training, and tying her shoes. Her favorite colors are green and pink. She loves to sing to the radio, pray, and pretend she is a princess. She is incredibly tall, at 3.5 feet, scrawny at 42 lbs., but wearing 6/7 sized clothing and a whopping size 13 shoe. She likes to read her Magic School Bus books to her little sisters and is a big help around the house. Her current favorite hobby is loom-knitting. She is my sensitive child in the sense that she is constantly seeking approval. She is my social butterfly and seems dependent on what others think about her.

Iris Marie was born 10/26/07 at 8:37pm, five days after her due date, after 26 hours of labor in the hospital, via cesarean for lack of progress. She was 20 in; 7 lbs, 9 oz, and also had a good head of hair, just not as thick as her older sister's. She is currently 3-and-a-half-years-old, , and even though she has surprised us multiple times with how bright she is, she doesn't have a care in the world. If the world were on fire around her, she'd be the one sitting in a corner entertaining herself while everything around her was in chaos. She is incredibly quiet, being shy and speaking softly. She seems to naturally chose 'speak softly and carry a big stick' as a personal motto. Her favorite colors are purple and brown. She loves music, dirt, picking flowers, and wishes she was a boy. She is 36 lbs, and exactly 3' tall, with her dainty size 8 shoe. She is my emotional child. Though not really sensitive in the sense of dependency, her emotions range on the extreme. When she is happy, she is very happy; when sad, she is very sad. She is my little drama queen.

Rose was born 07/31/09 at 7:31 am, two weeks after her due date, via cesarean since I was already at 42 weeks and she wasn't budging. She was 21 in; 7 lbs, 15oz and had as much hair as her eldest sister, but twice as curly. She is currently over a year-and-a-half, reaching 2 in just two or so months, and crazy. Did I mention she is crazy? Her favorite pasttimes include screaming, fighting, and hitting things with other things. She seems to be the most bilingual of all my children, being able to recognize certain phrases in Spanish quicker than her sisters. Though she refuses to talk much (her sisters keep talking for her) she is very smart and refuses to be bossed around by anyone -- complete disregard for authority.

These are my three daughters, children I named after flowers; my garden. But the fact that I carried them for 9+ months and had them ripped out of my womb isn't what makes me a mom to them. Any woman can do that. The times I stayed up all night because of fevers or teething or both is a reason. The times I was 8 or so months pregnant and Lily had an accident while Iris had a nightmare all at the same time and everyone was crying and my husband slept through the entire thing is a reason. The tantrums, the pinching, the pushing, the headlocks, the fish-hooking, the fighting I had to break-up so many times I can no longer keep count are reasons. The recitals I attended, the lessons I taught, the heart-to-hearts, the hugs and kisses, the trips to the park to play, to the library to learn, to the store to browse and observe, and the nights they slept snuggled against my chest, those are the reasons that make me a mom.

I'm not a perfect mom. Not even close. To this day, almost six years after having my first child, I still have a lot to learn and a lot to change for the better. I regret choices I made in the past, and will probably continue to do so after all is said and done, but know that at that present time I did what I thought was the right thing to do. I've had mistakes, I've had triumphs, and I've had downright failures, but the fact that my children still come to me when they need me lets me know that they love me and accept me. The fact that if I fall down in tears from a stressful day and all of them come to hug me, I know I've done something right.

So here's to all imperfect mothers and their beautiful and perfect children, even the ones they raised that someone else gave birth to. Have a wonderful and blessed mother's day. Enjoy today spending it with the ones who helped you become the great mother that you are. <3

clouds never go behind the sun

I am sick.
I've been on the verge of vomiting all day. So much so, that J, bless him, canceled his job interview so that I wouldn't have to be alone with the girls feeling like this. I was willing to suck it up, but he told me no.

I think it's mostly depression and anxiety that have me like this. I cried a lot last night. I've been on the verge of tears for the past week or so, being unable to talk to anyone about my problems, or even think about them without a few escaping while I do. For example, today I called a bunch of animal shelters and almost started crying when I was explaining why I had to give my cats away.

Yesterday I had a job interview. I think it actually went well, after the fact that I kept tearing up and had to wipe my face a couple of times explaining to the manager my situation. It was for a life insurance company, and they need agents. However, I am not licensed to sell insurance and would have to go to a class that would cost me $100 and then pay $60 to get the actual license after taking the test. You already know I don't have any money. So I teared up trying to think of a way this could work. Joan, the manager, told me she was looking for a secretary and would call me to set up another interview specifically for that. So, fingers are crossed for that. I would only be making about $200/wk but that's more than the $0 I'm making now.

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I'm struggling in staying afloat emotionally, but I'm managing it. I am no longer seeing a psychologist and haven't done so in 3 and a half months. I haven't had an antidepressant in over two years. This is me. This is my disease, and this is me dealing with it. It's hard. I can easily fall apart at any moment, but I'm strong and have the support of my husband and my children. I am motivated. I will beat this and I will come out on top. I just need one day to cry it all out, really cry it out.