Military

So I went to the recruiter. Right now, joining the military is a no-go. One thing they look at in the medical records is whether or not one has been through phsyciatric therapy for whatever reason. One has to NOT be in therapy for at LEAST 6 months. I went on Tuesday. *sigh* I understand why this has to be. With so many soldiers going out to war, they have to make sure that they are sending out kids who aren't going to immediately end up with PTSD. The fact that I haven't been on medication for over two years though is a plus! :) Six months. That's how much time I have.

I'm keeping positive with this. This is something I really want and am willing to work hard for. In these next 6 months I'll be making sure I have done everything in my power to get this. We will be saving up as much as we can and paying off any debts we have. (I have a couple grand in medical bills and classes to pay for.) I will continue with my education, so that I can show them I am dedicated and advance in rank. (I already have more than the 20 credits they require for the advancement.) I will exercise daily, upping my daily challenge on DDR, so that I can be in shape for BMT (basic military training). I want good credit, awesome credit hours, and stamina to make this work. The counseling will continue, but off-record.

My bestie, Mary, has her BS in Psychology. She is working on her MS in that area as well and is prepping herself to become a life-coach. I have offered to be her guinea pig. :) It's a win-win situation if you ask me. I get regular counseling (for FREE and off-record) and she gets experience in her desired field.

I'm pumped. I'm super jazzed. Now that I have a goal in mind, I don't feel depressed as much. I think the reason why I was so down was because I felt that my life had no meaning. I was wandering around aimlessly for a WHILE, just hoping, praying, things would work out without any real plan. Now that I have made a light at the end of this tunnel, I can work toward attaining it. I've been actively working on through my crisis plan and currently feel awesome.

I was super bummed yesterday. I let my recruiter know that I had only been going to therapy as a maintenance procedure. I let him be aware that I was molested as a child and damn near killed by my husband as an adult. I wasn't a naturally damaged person, I was just damaged because of the cards I was dealt. It wasn't fair that the actions of others held me back from living a normal mental health. He was sympathetic, but helpful. I know what I have to do. I'm ready. I'm doing this.

Stuff And Things

So...
I have a set date to talk to a recruiter. I will head out to the Air Force recruiter, or at least one of them, in Omaha on Thursday at 1:30. I plan on taking my ASVAB some time next week. I'm really psyched about this. I remember how much fun I had in JROTC. Granted, I know it wasn't hard-core or anything, but I was loving every minute of it. Also, I am hot in a uniform. ;)

I went to a new psychologist today and we made a crisis plan. I really don't think I need it, but I was honest with her on how I feel. It would be nice to just continue for now just so that I can vent to an unbiased flesh-and-blood person. I love writing here, but it's never enough. She at least understood, kind of, my need for not wanting meds. I really, really, REALLY hate being on medication. My next appointment with her is next Tuesday.

I need to get in shape, at least in some sort of shape that is not LAZY. I know ROUND is a shape, but not the shape I need, so I pulled out the DDR mat and played it for 15 minutes on the free workout mode. I set my goal for 150 and burned 172 cals for tonight. I'm setting my goal for 250 tomorrow.

I'm pumped. I haven't felt this good in a while. One thing on my crisis plan was to try scheduling time for every activity. Since I'm currently avoiding calls for work due to my bronchitis, I need to plan my days first thing. Maybe I'll just do it in a minute. I really need to get my life in order. One thing at a time, though.

One step at a time...

School

I passed my last class. I don't know how, but I did. Barely. I have a D, but that's better than nothing. It means I now have 27 credits under my belt. It means that when I join the military, I have the chance of advancing in rank faster. I wish I already had a degree so that I could join as an officer and become clergy.

I feel ill today. Jittery. I feel like I'm running on a caffeine high. I'm exhausted, though. I stayed up until 2 in the morning with my youngest, who is sick and miserable, so I cuddled with her until she relaxed enough to fall back to sleep. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Things to do today. Life changing things. I have an appointment with a new psychologist today as well as going to see a recruiter. I'm thinking of buying my husband an anniversary gift while I'm out. Our 6yr is in a week and I have nothing.

Last Resort

Next Thursday it will 7 months since my husband was laid off. We are struggling and it is becoming frustating. I am depressed. I have pushed away from my family, prefering being on the computer where no real interaction has to occur, keeping my distance from my husband and my children. I have very little skills. The skills I do have are not enough to get me a job that pays more than minimum wage. I have three small children, a mortgage, and a car loan to pay off. My husband and I are both going to school, and even though the girls have state medical insurance and we are on Food Stamps and WIC, my husband and I do not have medical insurance. I currently have bronchitis. I feel like shit and it hurts to breathe. I'm sick of not being able to buy what I need, making sacrifices so that my children don't notice the rammifications of their father being unemployed and their mother not being able to make enough to take care of them.

I'm at a crossroads. I've decided to lose some weight (just a few pounds, I'm not past the limit) and get better. I can't live like this anymore; WE can't live like this anymore. We are in so much debt, not because we have been frivoulous, on the contrary, we are extremely frugal, but because we are young, with children, and have many bills to pay. My husband has excellent skills, and yet he still can't get a job. He can't go back into the military because he was kicked out. The idea of the military was the last resort, and that's where I come in. I'm, for the most part, healthy. I can join. I wish to be a part of something that my children can look up to me for. I'm horribly useless in this house in this state. We need the money, we need the benefits, and J would be able to stay home with the children just like he always wanted and I get to take care of them financially just like I always wanted. It's a win-win in my head. Am I delusional?

If I am able to join, I'm not sure, due to the constant popping of my knees and the fact that I'm FAT ;), I hope to become clergy. I love the idea of it, and technically am through the Hosannah Bible Institute, but I would like to help people in a spiritual sense. (I suck at helping with anything else.) I'm actually pretty jazzed about the idea. I'd miss my family terribly for two whole months, but I'd get in shape and get paid and be able to take care of my family, which is extremely important to me. I have my fingers crossed. I'll be calling a recruiter Tuesday.