Putting My Defenses Up

I'm really trying to move on. I'm really trying to be a better person, a better me.

I've been very depressed lately. I don't have any medication for mood swings, so I've been dealing with my ups and downs on my own. I'm okay with that, but I've been incredibly weepy these past few days. I've had a lot on my mind and it's so exhausting just trying to function.

Everyone keeps asking me what I want to do with my life or what direction I'm headed in. To be honest, I don't know. I just don't fucking know, and I wish everyone would stop asking me. I've only been divorced three-and-a-half months. My last stint in the hospital was only 7 months ago. I have no idea what I'm doing.

I sat and talked to J tonight. It was his birthday, so he spent it with family, but when he got home I came over and kissed the kids goodnight and we sat and talked for a bit about plans for Thanksgiving. We had an argument, like always, but it was based on miscommunication, like always. Anyway, talking about our miscommunication led off to other topics and I finally shared all of my fears, my anger, my pain with him. I sat and cried for about an hour while I told him everything that keeps me up at night.

For once he didn't interrupt me, he didn't argue, he didn't say anything, really. The thing that struck a chord with me, though, was how he explained his alcoholism and how I bailed when things became unsafe. (I don't mean 'bail' in a bad sense; it was something that needed to be done at that time.) When he became a threat to not only himself but to everyone around him, I had to leave, because if I hadn't, I either would have miscarried Lily or died. I was gone for a year. He told me that it was the hardest and most loneliest year of his life, but he got through it. He didn't push it, he didn't chase me, he let me go, and he worked on himself. It was emotionally draining, but he did it, and became better because of it.

At first I thought this was a terrible example considering alcoholism isn't schizophrenia, but then I pondered a bit and started comparing apples to apples. Yes, they are two different diseases, but they are both a battle of your mind, of your will. J will always be an alcoholic. Even if he has been sober for X amount of years, if he slips up, he'll end up back to where he started. It's ingrained into his brain, will always be there, and all he can do is take the steps to stay clean. It's not as simple as just saying no to alcohol, it's a battle of will. It's a responsibility. In way, I'm the same. I will always be a schizophrenic. I'll never escape it; it will always be there. Sure, I can be symptom free for X amount of years, but if I slip up and not take my medication, I'll end up back to where I started. It's part of my chemistry, ingrained into my DNA, and all I can do is take the steps to stay healthy.

I've been so wrapped up in the negative, I forgot what I was supposed to be doing. I'm giving myself time for me. I'm going to stop listening to everyone around me about what they think I should be doing, and follow my heart on what I know I need to do.

Ugh. This will either make or break me.

Stuff And Things

So...
I have a set date to talk to a recruiter. I will head out to the Air Force recruiter, or at least one of them, in Omaha on Thursday at 1:30. I plan on taking my ASVAB some time next week. I'm really psyched about this. I remember how much fun I had in JROTC. Granted, I know it wasn't hard-core or anything, but I was loving every minute of it. Also, I am hot in a uniform. ;)

I went to a new psychologist today and we made a crisis plan. I really don't think I need it, but I was honest with her on how I feel. It would be nice to just continue for now just so that I can vent to an unbiased flesh-and-blood person. I love writing here, but it's never enough. She at least understood, kind of, my need for not wanting meds. I really, really, REALLY hate being on medication. My next appointment with her is next Tuesday.

I need to get in shape, at least in some sort of shape that is not LAZY. I know ROUND is a shape, but not the shape I need, so I pulled out the DDR mat and played it for 15 minutes on the free workout mode. I set my goal for 150 and burned 172 cals for tonight. I'm setting my goal for 250 tomorrow.

I'm pumped. I haven't felt this good in a while. One thing on my crisis plan was to try scheduling time for every activity. Since I'm currently avoiding calls for work due to my bronchitis, I need to plan my days first thing. Maybe I'll just do it in a minute. I really need to get my life in order. One thing at a time, though.

One step at a time...

School

I passed my last class. I don't know how, but I did. Barely. I have a D, but that's better than nothing. It means I now have 27 credits under my belt. It means that when I join the military, I have the chance of advancing in rank faster. I wish I already had a degree so that I could join as an officer and become clergy.

I feel ill today. Jittery. I feel like I'm running on a caffeine high. I'm exhausted, though. I stayed up until 2 in the morning with my youngest, who is sick and miserable, so I cuddled with her until she relaxed enough to fall back to sleep. My heart is racing and I feel like I'm going to vomit.

Things to do today. Life changing things. I have an appointment with a new psychologist today as well as going to see a recruiter. I'm thinking of buying my husband an anniversary gift while I'm out. Our 6yr is in a week and I have nothing.