Had gallbladder surgery two weeks ago. This is a picture of my gallstone.

I'm going to stop going to the doctor. Even for follow-ups. Every time I go to the hospital, they find something new wrong with me. I went for my first follow-up after the surgery and they found I have an UTI. So, yay...more pills. :\

Also I find it amusing when both my cat and my 8-mth-old find my skirt very entertaining.

I want to thank all of you who kept me in your thoughts. I appreciate all the positive energies and prayers that were sent my way.

I was blessed to have such awesome surgeon, doctor, and nurses. The procedure was only an hour long, I was out today, and now the healing can begin.

It was worse than anticipated. They actually found a stone in one of my gallbladder ducts. Using my husband's analogy when he saw the picture they took, "It looks like pushing a tennis ball through a garden hose". But now it's out and I'm no longer in pain or suffering. I'm sore and tender from the surgery, but it went well, and I am feeling good.

Again, thanks so much for the positive thoughts.

I will post a more indepth post about the surgery, including some photos, tomorrow. Right now, I'm just going to hang out with my family and rest. :)

So I just got off the phone with my doctor. He wants me to check into the hospital tonight and prep me for surgery tomorrow morning. It's a very simple procedure that will have me out by Saturday.

I am currently so scared I keep struggling to not cry. I know it will be okay, but that doesn't make the thought any less frightening.

It's official. I have to have surgery. My gallbladder is inflamed and has been the cause of my pain, suffering, and discomfort. The walls have thicken to a point where it is not releasing the bile when it needs to. I have another doctor appointment tomorrow to talk further with my doctor as well as meet my surgeon.

Thank you for all your prayers and positive energy. It has been very much appreciated.

My doctor believes I have a dysfunction in my gallbladder as well as colitis. (If the two are related, I don't know.) Now for my gallbladder, we do not know what it is, but will have an u/s done soon to know. If i have gallstones or sludge I will need surgery to have it removed. I will also be having a CT Scan for my colon.



I was hoping for IBS, but instead I got this.

Thanks so much for the positive energies and prayers. They are truly appreciated. Knowing that helps me stay positive. And thankfully my husband is coping with it with jokes, which make the idea a little easier to bear.

Today, I am going to the doctor. For the past six months I have been getting sick. It has progressively gotten worse, especially within this month, and has escalated to a point where I have been in excruciating pain with vomiting and/or diarrhea for hours for the past few days. I'm afraid I may have a gall stone and that if I am right will need surgery to remove my gallbladder. I will be going to the doctor this morning to make sure. Please keep me in your prayers. I hate doctors and hospitals because of a fear that was rooted in my childhood. Whatever the outcome, your prayers are appreciated.

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all my mommy friends who have step/children, are going to have step/children, or only have furry children. Just because you have kids doesn't make you a mom. Your good heart and nurturing ways do. So even if you've only been nurturing to your dog, this is your day, too.

With that said I did a ritual honoring my mother, my nanny, my MIL, and Earth. I thought it would be fun to have the girls do it with me, too.

I got this ritual a year or two ago from a friend. Well, let's say it's been redone with a bit of toddler flare.

My computer died. That is crap-tastic. Thankfully, J had bought another computer with a Linux OS about 6 mths ago for his birthday so we have a back up. And fantastically, I got into the habit of saving all of my files onto the external hard-drive so I don't have to mourn the loss of anything. Also, my laptop sucks and is about as useful for computer work as a regular notebook. Srsly.

J and I got new glasses today, which is nice. The lenses were god-awfully priced, but they are pretty and we have optical insurance. I now have a nice pair of sexy-librarian glasses that are scratch and glare resistant and have a warranty so that if one of my children get a hold of it and destroy it, I can replace it for free. Fingers crossed that it never happens. :D

My engagement-wedding band set was resized. They were two sizes too big and now they fit my tiny little fingers. I forgot just how small my hands are. Damn things are tiny. I got them a bit larger so when I swell in the heat they don't get stuck. Still, they are smaller than a 6. :P

My children are doing well. Iris is growing so fast. She's not as big as her sister was, only in the 50th percentile for everything, but she is growing steadily and healthy. Breastfeeding has been going well and strong. My goal was to reach 6 months, and it has passed and I'm still going. I start working on giving her solids this week. She can't keep cereal down, but her pediatrician said it was okay to start her on some peas or squash, etc. Lily is a chatter-box. She loves to talk to me, but pretty much tells her father to fuck off. I'm having a few discipline problems with her (okay, a few is an understatement) but I am working on it. She's a smart kid and a sweetheart, but she has her mother's attitude and her father's temper. *sigh* I just have to get control again. I somehow lost it somewhere; just have to find it.

Been mostly working with the girls. Lily can now count to 10, sing her ABCs, identify all the letters in upper and lower-case, identify the numbers 1-10, sing mixed up renditions of Twinkle, Twinkle, and Old McDonald, and lots of other stuff. She's no genius baby, but she is ahead of the game. Right now we are working on writing lines since most of her letters are just straight lines. Vertical lines she has, horizontal are a bit of a challenge, and diagonal, well, we'll cross that bridge later.

Iris is now low-crawling. She moves around mostly with her elbows, but does try to use her knees. She gets up on all fours, rocks, face-plants, and then won't try again for another hour. She prefers the low-crawl approach better. She's also a chatter-box. Always babbling about something, especially to get my attention.

I'm getting my driving permit on the 23rd. The Iowa Manual has practice test after every section, and after doing all of the reviews, I only missed a total of 1. :) I think I'm set and ready to go. I can't parallel park worth shit, so I won't be taking the driving test until I can, but at least this is something and will give me the opportunity to practice.

I will be getting LOTS of driving practice a week after the test. We are going to visit family in Texas for a couple of weeks and leave the 30. (I'll be there for my birthday--yay!) I offered to help J drive the way there in out new Chevy Aveo so that he won't be too tired. It's going to be a long trip indeed. I can't find someone to sit for my dog, so Missy is going to tag along. An infant, a toddler, and a dog in the back seat...trust me, this will be interesting.

I am still working on my minister's license through my mother's church. Right now, since I now have internet, I am helping out with some of her paperwork as her secretary. She needs a ton of things translated, and I seem to be the only one she can rely on. I don't mind; she's paying me. :) I can't wait for her to see the babies.

Also, I am FINALLY about to do my online Runes Class at Touch of Enchantment Institute. I haven't uploaded the lessons yet as something is wrong with my handle, but it's getting there.

I am currently sick with a cold. I think that just about covers it....

I FINALLY HAVE THE INTERNETS!!!
J hooked it up today at around 5. We got a real good deal from Qwest.

Me: *sitting on couch signing a card*
J: "Who'd you buy a card for?"
Me: "Sweetie, what's today?"
J: "The 25th."
Me: "And when did we get married?"
J: "... the...25th..." *sheepish grin*
Me: *eye roll*
J: *throws hands up* "Happy Anniversary! I guess."
Me: *give kiss and card* "Happy Anniversary"


...The dork. LOL.

1. I still don't have internet. I am still going to the library, just so you know. We just can't afford these luxeries. :D
2. Anyway, my new business is this:

I am currently making and selling aromatherapy pillows. Each pillow is made from cotton and pre-washed before sending. Each pillow contains 4 different herbs carefully selected for a specific aroma and purpose. I currently have 5 themes available and can make any certain theme that I have not yet created at your request. I am selling them at $13 dollars each. This covers the cost of fabric, stuffing, and herbs. There is also a $4 shipping and handling fee. If you would like me to make one, please choose one of the following themes, or you could ask me to make a specific theme for your specific need. Also, please let me be aware if you have any allergies to any herbs.

I currently have:
sleep/relaxation,
stress/tension relief,
sensuality,
trying to convieve,
and luck with money.

Give me a call if you would like to place an order as I cannot gaurantee checking my e-mail at a timely manner.

On another note, my kids and I are alive and well. :)

I hope everyone who celebrates it has a wonderful and safe Christmas. For everyone else I hope you had a wonderful Yule or Hannukah or whatever. :)

I do not have internet ans I broke the laptops. Yes, more than one. I'm using my MILs for tonight.

Went and saw Sweeney Todd with J ... and NO BABIES. They stayed home with Grandma and Uncle Joe. I pumped milk a couple of weeks ago so I was able to have a free night out. It was amusing to me when I had to pump during the movie.

Um, thats it. We're doing Christmas dinner today and yesterday we opened presents. :)

Happy Holidays.

1. I do not have internet.
2. I have a new cellphone number. :)
3. Happy Holidays!

Recorded b/c Jaz is a nosy bitch. ;) LOL

Today is J's 24th birthday. He bought himself a new computer. :) He is much pleased. You should go wish him a happy birthday.

I hope everyone had a safe and wonderful Thanksgiving yesterday. We do not celebrate Thanksgiving unless we are down with relatives, so J caught some z's and Lily and I had chili dogs while I also fed Iris.

Things have settled pretty well here. I'm terribly sleep-deprived for the most part and the house is a mess, but it's normal. You clean and five minutes later a two-year-old human version of a torando comes through and fucks shit up. *sigh* Got to love that kid, though.

I had to reschedule the appointment for the preconception consultation to a Monday. :( J's days off (though he hasn't hasd one since he went back to work) are now on the actual weekends, but the latest appointment they had on a Friday was 10:30 in the morning. Not happening. I'm hardley out of bed by that time since that's when Iris eats and regardless, it's 40 minute drive to the hospital. J is home by 9. Not gonna happen. Oh well, at least it's schedule and at least we'll go when the time comes.

It's very quiet here and that's odd. J is already asleep, Lily is busy messing with her zipper and Iris is staring off into space...

When polar bears attack:

So apparently we are not going to wait until January to see what a specialist says. J thinks it's too much of a risk to have any more children.
*sigh* This having no more children thing has me horribly depressed. I have been crying on and off since Monday.

My In-Laws were here for the weekend. It was a weekend well-spent and I was able to have a mini-vacation and rest up some. We had a good time.

Today I went to see my gynecologist to check my surgery site and make sure I was healing correctly. She also needed to go over a few things with me, like birth control methods, medications, etc. I told her I was going to try and conceive again next year so I was going to stick to natural methods. (Thanks to www.mymonthlycycles.com)

After I had Iris, the pediatrician mentioned to me that Iris had developed a rare antigen in the womb that I did not have. The antigen, however, is not in my blood and therefore during the pregnancy my body created antibodies to fight it. I did not have this problem with Lily as it seems that Justin is the one carrying it so we have a 50% chance of having a baby with it. It did not affect Iris as it was obviously the first time my body encountered this antigen and created the antibodies. Unfortunately with these antibodies, if I get pregnant again and the baby is positive for this antigen, my body will try and fight the pregnancy as a disease. The rare, but still frightening, worse-case scenario is that I miscarry. The more possible worse-case scenario is that the baby becomes horribly anemic and that I'd have to deliver early. Of course with that scenario, depending on how far along I am, the baby can have serious complications b/c of preterm birth and can either die or be in the hospital for a long period of time. If it does not end that way, then the baby would get blood transfusions during gestation and I would have to be constantly monitored.

This makes me horribly upset. I was told this from both my OBGYN and the Pediatrician when Iris was born, but I didn't understand it very well. Now that I have an understanding it just makes me terribly depressed. We want a large family. We want at least five children. I don't think we will be able to have that with this dark cloud looming over our heads. I know that I am not strong enough to deal with a miscarriage or a still birth. My mental stability needs help standing and can't do it on its own.

When I told J what my doctor had said I tried to be tough and not let it bother me too much. I have made an appointment with a specialist in January to discuss preconception methods and see if there is anything we can do medically. This is a rare antigen, and not many doctors know what to do in this situation. I'm hoping that I will be able to conceive without any problems, but there is really nothing we can do physically. We could try IVF, discard all the positive-antigen embryos, but I wouldn't be able to handle that kind of stress, and I know we wouldn't be able to afford it. Our insurance doesn't cover it, and it's expensive, extensive and painful. I can't go through that process. SO I sat and cried.

I know I'm letting it get to me when I shouldn't, but the thought that I couldn't have any more children because of the risk saddens me. I don't want any of my children to suffer and I don't want myself to suffer as well. If I become pregnant it is considered high risk. I'd have to be in and out of the hospital constantly. My mom says that I should just be happy with the two that I have and not try for any more, but I want them to have more sisters (and maybe brothers.) I want my big family. I just hate the fact that if it's not one thing it's another.

*sigh* I shouldn't let this get to me. Right now I don't know much about this b/c it's so rare. I'm hoping that when we see the specialist I can rest assured. But I won't know until January.

The Last 20 Years

20 years ago: 1987- I am a year old and the cutest thing in Puerto Rico. ;) Seriously, I can only remember the color of my Nanny's furniture. (Red and black, velvet) My parents (who were not married) separate and all custody is given to my mom. The next year my mom marries.

15 years ago: 1992- 6 years old, living in WA, just learned English a year or two earlier. Get my 1st grade teacher fired at the end of the year because she is the Devil and treated her class like hell. I was the only one who spoke up. The next year I no longer need to go to ESL (English as a Second Language)

10 years ago: 1997- 11 years old. Moved to TX two years prior. Started middle school, started my menstrual cycle for the first time the month of (20 days after) my birthday. Am DEVASTATED about the fact that I'm a girl (I was the only one of my female friends who had a period, and also the only one who thought this was the worse thing that could have happened to me). LOL. Have been an abuse victim for two years, will continue for a year more. Move to HI two years later.

5 years ago: 2002- Moved back to TX two years prior after step-dad commits suicide. Am in High School, 16 years old, Grandmother dies, am an emotional wreck, get out of Choir and ROTC b/c I needed time to heal from my Mami's (what we called our Grandmother) death, get into theatre and computers, meet my future husband and just know I will be with him "4Eva", continue to be an emotional wreck addicted to pills, drugs, and cutting herself, suffering from anorexia. Can't handle the fact that J has joined the military and will not be living in my house anymore.

Today: 2007- Am married, 21, living in a small town in Iowa with our own house and a toddler with a baby due in a week and a half. Have a dog, lots of hobbies, and read too much. Am quite content with the way life has turned out and haven't been this content...ever. I am finally who I want to be (sort of.) I'm at a place where spiritually, I know this is me. I've accepted that without any of the things I had gone through in the past, I would not be here, I would not be who I am, and I would not be as knowledgeable about the world. I have many life lessons that my daughters can use as examples and I now understand that to really be free, you just have to finally let go of the anger and all the hurt. Long process. VERY long process.