A True Insomniac

Man, I woke at noon...YESTERDAY AFTERNOON!!! i have not gone to sleep yet. I am exhausted, depressed, and I'm sick to my stomache. I haven't had a good night's sleep in like forever. I don't think I'll ever get better. I just keep getting worse. And nothing's really helping me...

I can't sleep, I barely eat, and I keep on losing and gaining weight. I'm alright on weight and stuff, but mentally, I'm just not all there...I need help, I just don't know how to ask for it...

Slowly, I feel as if I'm killing myself. But first starting mentally...like screw up my mind first and then work from the inside out...I'm not afraid of death, or suicide...i've tried it before and I'm not afraid to do it again...

It's just that feeling of emptiness...that feeling that you somehow can't fix, and that hole that no one can repair but yourself, but you just don't know how.

My house is freezing and My body's burning up, and I'm about to throw up. I put a smile on my face every day so no one can see my pain, but it's still there...I'm afraid...

Afraid that I will never be able to excape my little black hole...

What A Day, What A Day....

Well, today was a pretty normal day. I’m actually tired at the moment. My mom put me to work today. I had to help her put the bricks down by the patio and I got all dirty and smelly and sweaty and everything in between. I just came back from Ary’s house b/c I got a craving for Ice Cream and she had plenty of it in her freezer. We tried to catch the ice cream truck but we missed it…

My feet hurt, my hands are shaking and I haven’t eaten anything since I woke up this morning. All I ate was an ice cream bar and that was it. Nothing more. I’m still hungry but I’m tired from working.

I haven’t been feeling up to anything lately. Everything’s been kind of boring. I’d rather stay inside then go outside. I don’t know why, I’m an outgoing person, but I’ve just felt blah lately. I’ve been depressed and having trouble sleeping and I have been spazzed out and stuff. I’m always tired even if I got my sleep, and even if I woke up early one morning, I go to sleep real late that night. It just doesn’t make any sense any more. You know what I mean?

I always have a headache and I always feel sick and I always want to stay inside. I’ve had more fun in school this year than I did this summer. That’s kind of sad. Arturo’s birthday is this Saturday and so is the church’s garage sell. Irene is coming down for the weekend that day and then I have a dentist appointment on the 3rd. After my appointment we leave with Irene to go with her to visit her and her family for the Independence Day weekend.

Well, there’s not much left to say and I am still rather tired…I still feel lonely at times and I still feel out of place at home…I just don’t know how to say it to anyone or what to do about it…

I Had An Appt...

I brought Jenny M. and Chris to church today. We went to Mickey D's and all ate ice cream, then I got attacked by Cris in one of the kiddie tunnels up in the play area.

I saw my shrink today. (Sorry for the cliché) It was OK. I just talked about what was up and how I have been feeling. I'm OK, I guess, but I still have my moments...

I'm sorry I haven't been writing much in my last few entries, but life has been pretty bland. Not many new and exciting things have happened lately, and if it has....then it was short-lived. But anyways, I'm tired and I need to be going now....

Boredome in Early Morning

My goodness!! Chris came over today at 11 to help my mom. José has the nerve to help him wake me up. José has taken pictures (of me trying to sleep) and he threw candy and pillows at me. Chris decided it would be fun to land on me to wake me up.

When my whole family was gone, Chris and I were left alone in my living room. I have this thing that if I play with his ear, it turns him on. It drives him nuts. So he pretty much ended up fingering me with TWO of his fingers. (his fingers are huge) And those two put together are the same diamter as his...I think I should be left alone more often. :) I need practice for the future!

But then I got dirty helping my mom and Chris with the yard work. Man, did I stink! Well, I'm exhuasted, so I'm going to bed now...

Telling Chris

I told Chris today that I kissed Cris. And you know what he did? Absolutely nothing! :) This is why I love my boyfriend so much! He was like, "well, if it didn't mean anything, then it's OK...' And it was OK...b/c the kiss didn't mean a damn thing!

But anyway, I better go now...

Anniversary

Today’s my 4 month anniversary w/ Chris!

Father's Day 2k1

Happy Father’s Day! I don’t feel so good today. I think I ate too much cake at church today. Well, Jenny M. is having a BBQ next door, but I’m gonna take a nap…

Chris' Welcome Back Party

Chris came home today from ROTC camp. We had a little get together today at Gary's. There was a BBQ and we teens wrestled in the Morales' back-yard pool. Well, I'm tired and chlorinated...so bye!

Chris Comes Home...

Today Chris comes home from camp. I so still feel bad about what had happened Wednesday after church. I have no idea if I should tell him or not.

Mom's going to pick me up today and we're going to have a "Welcome Back" party for him. I'm gonna help cook! :/ :) heehee

But anyway, if I want to be awake for the party, I better get to bed!

Cheated!

OMG!! I feel so bad! I’ve done the #1 thing today that Chris hoped I would never do! I so betrayed him!

I cheated on Chris with Cris. It just happened. We were horse playing and somehow we ended up kissing. But we made out 3 different times! I don’t know what to do! I feel so bad! :( Should I tell Chris when he comes back??

Chris Goes To Camp

I got bit by fleas yesterday! Seriously bitten. They hurt, I itch, and I'm swollen like a mug. I'm allergic to them, which sux. Now I'm going to church in a few.

Chris left today to ROTC camp. He'll be gone for a whole week, and I'll be extremely bored. :( Well, I have to go get ready for church.

Maldonado's B-day Party

My goodness, I had to go to some old man's birthday party today and Carmine was being a sure pain in the ass. Since before we left this morning at 10, she was bitching and complaining, crying and whining, for no reason at all.

At around lunchtime she practically pissed everyone off. Carmine doesn't know English, but of course that's what all the teenagers speak. Well, we were making jokes and the woman starts yelling at us saying that we're making fun of her. As calmly as I could, I told her that we weren't and that not one part of our conversation was she mentioned. But she wouldn't listen. So I let her be. And she went on bitching and complaining that even my mom, who tolerates her pretty well, got fed up.

But anyways, I just got home. I'm tired and sore, but I had fun with Jenny A., Nathalia, and Cristofer. But I have to go to sleep now.

A Quick Catch Up

Well, what can I say? Let's see. Friday I skipped school because I missed the bus. I did that on purpose, though. See, I knew that the car had already been shipped to San Antonio and I really didn't feel like going to school. So what I did, I turned off my alarm and overslept. Mamita was going to see if she could call someone to drop me off at school but there was no one who could possibly pick me up. So what I did was just sleep some more. Anthony A. and Sasha ended up coming over after school to see what was up. Tomorrow I have to apologize to Mrs. Harrison that I wasn't there Friday. You see, Friday was the premier of our "Say What Karaoke" and I was supposed to be the Emcee, but didn't go to school. Anyway, on Saturday, Corina took us to Waikiki beach and I chilled over at the Hale Koa pool. It was open for Hale Koa visitors and military. But anyway, I was over there at a birthday party, too. Today, Mother's Day, Nestor took Mamita out to eat at Bravo's and afterwards we went to the BX and bought Mamita some shoes. We then left to go to Oscar's house after that. I chilled with the kids because Oscar and his wife were gone and Nestor and Mamita had gone out to buy Michael and Danielle some new pairs of shoes. Well, that's pretty much it. Nothing much new. I have to go to school tomorrow so that's a bummer. I'll write something else later. Oh, and I read this really cool book titled Where The Heart Is. It's going to come out as a motion picture later on in June. The book, though, was written in 1995, and let me say one thing: That's one hell of a book! Well, I better be going or Mamita will kill me if I miss the bus again.

I'm Bad!

Guess what! I'm bad! I took some smokes today from Heather. OK, I know I shouldn't have, but it's been a while since I've done it. I mean the last time I did was like in fourth grade when I stole 2 of Mamita's cigarettes. And that was 2 and a half YEARS ago! I was in a very stressed out moment. But oh, well. Man, I can't wait for next time, though. I really hope Heather and me can just chill with some beer and smokes. But that's pretty much the deal. I went to the flea market today. I bought the bracelet that Desma owed me and two more. I also got this one silver ring that says Kuuipo, which means Sweetheart in Hawaiian. I'll show it to Humberto some time. But then Mamita got me another ring, which is in gold and says Vombi, and a silver bracelet that says Yvonne. I will get those two the week after Mother's Day. But, I must get going. I know this is really short but there ain't much to talk about. I did do part of my math homework, but not all. I couldn't find a damn calculator! Well, I better bounce, I have acid indigestion so I like have heart burn now...I still can't believe Mamita didn't notice I was smoking! Well, Angela did drench me in a peaches body spray. Heather ended up getting some in her Mug. Well, let's just put it this way...I had a LOT of fun today!

Life in General...

I know I haven't done an entry for a long time, but oh, well. I'm PROBABLY going to be doing these every Saturday to save time. Anyway, I broke up with CJ like Wednesday. Nothing was really going on and he wasn't really used to having a girlfriend so we both decided to just break it off. Well, the banquet is coming up soon and I don't know with whom I'm going to dance with, probably just with Brandie. That's what we usually do. We slow dance together like two idiotic dorks. If not, I'll ask CJ if he wants to dance. I mean, we still ARE friends, you know. Well, this will probably be my shortest entry because nothing new has happened. Angela's not going to be here for the banquet, and neither is Lizzie. Sarah's mom said she couldn't go. So it's only going to be Leah, Brandie, Sherena and me chilling at the table. It's going to be so lonesome without the rest of the crew. Well, you know us crack-heads will always be the life of the party. A lot of others are going to be there. Unfortunately Anthony H., ex-boyfriend #1 from this school year, is going to be there. I'll probably be yelling at him throughout the whole dance. (Big whoop.) Well, I have to wake up early tomorrow morning because my mother insists on going to the flea market. I insist on going to the PX or the library, by MYSELF. I don't mind going with my mother it's just that we live in different worlds... Well, I must be going now and you know how Mamita is if I don't get up in the morning. She always got to be bitching about something. And I really don't want to go. But any, I can always replace that one bracelet Desma decided to borrow and keep. At least she paid the one-dollar to buy a new one. I should have said it was three. But who cares, just as long as I get my bracelet. Which reminds me, Amanda still owes me my blue one, and Nestor S. owes me a dollar for losing my clear one. I'll get them soon at church someday. I just hope it's sooner than later.

Another Night

Well, everyone won't leave me alone about the whole "Justin" thing. Oh, well! Anyway, today, Mike B., Chris M, CJ, and I helped out Mr. Lee with the car project that he's been working on with the elementary school. So since we took up all our free time, except for brunch because we had to eat, Mr. Lee's buying us Lunch tomorrow. Isn't that cool? I mean, that teacher's the BOMB! Not a lot of teachers are that cool. He understands kids more than most adults, so that's pretty neat.

Well, CJ and I are still taking it extremely slow. I mean, I don't want to complain so I'll just let him go at his own pace...know what I mean? But, I just wish he could go a little bit faster. I'm saying he's going way too slow! There's another upcoming talent show. I'm going to be in it, like usual. I also can't wait for the banquet. That's going to be so cool! I'm probably gonna end up dancing in one of the cages. (Yeah, right!) I'm not THAT wild and crazy. I AM wild and crazy, though. Well, I can't sleep and I'm extremely bored. I guess I SHOULD be headed to bed but I took a nap by accident so I can't sleep. I didn't mean to fall asleep. I was just gonna lay down and listen to some of my jams, but two songs later, I realized I had fallen asleep. So I just took off my headphones and fell back asleep. Well, I should go to sleep NOW.

No Real Title

Well, today was a very hot and boring day. I had to mow the lawn. (Yippee.) But I just wrote an e-mail to Humberto telling him that I'm not a big hoe. OK, at times I can be a hoochie, or a hoe, but I'm not the next future prostitute of America! So I just wrote him and sent him a pic. He wanted a recent picture so I gave him one. Which reminds me. He still hasn't sent me one of his! I'm going to kill that little twerp. But anyway, Danny and I talked on AOL for about an hour and then she went to sleep. I stayed on for a few minutes. I was on AOL for almost 2 hours! I had spent 100 minutes online. Luckily its unlimited access. So I can always get online for as long as I want with no extra pay. It stays 19.95 every month, and you can stay online for 3 days without paying a penny more! But there isn't much to talk about. I mean, today was a bore. Tomorrow I have school, so I get to see the whole crew. But anyway, I better get going to sleep. I have to get my stuff ready for school...I forgot to do the rest of my Math (again)!

Talk About a Boring Day

I am so extremely bored today. I was online doing stuff, but I was barely on because there really wasn't anything to do. For another thing, I barely did anything in school today, too. Homeroom was a bore. First period we just sang, like always, 2nd period we did our weights again, 3rd we watched a Benedict Arnold movie, 4th period we had a quiz on our design and had a free period. That one was good. Fifth period we did our Journals, read, and worked on our mini-packets, and 6th period we graded our homework, which I didn't do, and got our tests back. I got a 90% on my test. I should be so proud. (I got an A on my test!)

Well, Brandie and Lizzie started bothering Justin. You know how Angie had told him that I liked him, well, they found out, by me, and started mocking him. Justin was passing by with his crew, Thomas, Dumbo, Paul...and Brandie started saying, 'You know you like her!' And Lizzie was like, 'Yeah, you know you do!' He just ignored them, but he's ears got so RED!! His friends were like, 'What are they talking about?' He was like, 'Oh, nothing, it's nothing...' Brandie and Lizzie told me this and I just started laughing. But what if it is true? What if he does like me also? What if he does, but he just doesn't want to admit it? Awe, and anyway, if he did, it's too late to have a chance with him. One, because I'm moving in June, and Two, because I now go out with CJ. But oh, well. I'm still bored, though.

I have no school tomorrow, so that's a plus. My minus is that I'm still bored. I have to stay active so I won't like totally fall asleep from boredom. Britney Spears is over here in Oahu. She had her concert earlier this evening. Brandie got to go. Nestor was going to take me, also, but he knew the place was going to be way too jammed packed. So we didn't get to go. I'll just ask Brandie how the concert was, tomorrow. By the way, the concert was FREE--since FOX or something was sponsoring it! Well, not much time, and I really am bored. I'm probably going to get online again.

Easter y2k

Well, Happy Easter! I didn't go to church today. Mamita woke up EXTREMELY late this morning. Well, actually this afternoon. I was the only one up on time. I, on a weekend, was actually up before everyone else. Now that's something you don't see every day. Unfortunately, since I didn't go to church, I couldn't do nursery. So that really sucked. But the whole day was pretty OK. Boring, but OK. I talked to John and Katie today on AOL, and e-mailed Ryan, whom I haven't heard from in a while. I was e-mailing Anna, but AOL kicked me off. Somehow the connection was lost. Somebody must have tried to call. Nothing new has happened, though. I got to watch Mary Poppins, Gremlins, and a few cartoons. I played the N64 for a while and listened to some music, but other than that, the day was pretty normal. Boring as usual. I can't wait for tomorrow, though. Monday we do have school, but we have Tuesday off. That's rather retarded, though. I mean, having a day off in the middle of the week better than near the ends. Like Monday or Friday would have been nice. I have everything ready for school; I just have one problem... I didn't do my Math homework...like usual. I like Math and all, but working out of the same book I did last year is a little boring, you know? But anyway, I really want to see CJ--of course I want to see my boyfriend. I'm still a little bit sad that Andrew and I broke up, but it was for the best. I mean, now he has Erica and I have CJ, so it really wouldn't matter. Angela ended up telling Justin I liked him. Even though she told him Friday, I'm still in the whirl of it all. I forgot that Angela does any dare you dare her to do. Just as long as that dare is legal or she won't get in trouble by doing it. Justin was red in the face and didn't come out of his house for the rest of the day, probably because I was over. But oh, well. Life goes on, as I always say. Well, I better get to sleep if I want to get up early enough in the morning to catch the bus on time and not skip breakfast!

Normal Day

Well, today's been a normal day. It's been a while since I last wrote, so bear with me. Well, we still don't know where we are headed. I mean, I know Mamita said that we are going to move to Texas, but we're still not sure. I mean, since Daddy's death, we really don't know what's going on. Well, me anyway. We still don't know why Daddy did it. I mean, the last person he talked to was Pablo, and nobody knows what they talked about except Daddy and Pablo himself. I, for one, really want to know. I know the rest of us want to know, too. I mean, I know it wasn't the whole case. He had a lot of other problems going to him, and it wasn't just the sexual abuse case. Even though, me opening my big mouth made it worse. I should have never said anything, but I had carried it for two years, but still. I should have kept quiet. Daddy had enough problems as it was...but now it's too late. He took the stupid decision of committing suicide. Well, I just hope he's at peace, because I know I sure ain't watching Mamita trying to figure out what to do next. And I don't even know what to do! Well, tomorrow is Easter Sunday, so I better be getting off to bed. I have nursery duty. I just hope things do get better, eventually.